The Subtle Art of Being Extra

I’ve always been “a lot.” I’ve been called “too much.” My intensity has sometimes been off-putting and some have just viewed me as a “pain in the ass.” All of these things are true. But knowing this also provides a balance giving us what is on the other side of the old-fashioned grocery scale. I bring a sort of agitation that can be as positive as not, if we look at it from a different angle. Agitators bring lots of good things. You can’t make a brilliant soufflé without an agitator. You can’t have a delicious vinaigrette. You can’t make ice cream. You can’t wash clothes. Agitators are necessary. Agitators create change…create art…create new points of view with interesting voices. Agitating is not inherently negative at all.

When people choose, yes, choose, to see us from the positive, glowing lens, then we are refreshing. My sister shared a quote with me yesterday that said you can’t be too much for someone who can’t get enough of you. Yes! I am big. I am passionate. I certainly can be difficult. I am so much, and yet, I can only very intentionally be my best self. By doing this, I energetically welcome all kinds of beautiful things. Manifesting gloriousness, enlightenment, and attunement with others is fundamentally what our souls came here for. We are here to artfully live with passion and abundance in all kinds of different forms. If you are an introvert, you are not less. If you are an exceptionally loud extrovert, you are not too much…at least not for those who can actually see you…see the unique and powerful, purposeful you.

In order to fully relish the blessings of life, we must accept the wholeness of all that is. To truly enjoy you and love you, I must accept the entirety of what comes with you. If I want all the great things that make me love you in the first place, the light that is the very essence of you, you must accept all the darker, less attractive qualities that come with all of us. We are all works in progress. We are all sculptors molding the clay that is us.

Many people may turn away from you. Let them. Learn what you need from the experience and leave the rest behind. What I am learning to do is to actively look for the people turning toward you…sometimes running to you…looking up to you…following you…learning along side you…loving you and embracing the wholeness of your big, huge self. Some may be here to stay quiet and introspective. Some may need to learn the depths of pain and struggle to better grow their empathy and compassion, and really what anyone else is here on the planet to learn is none of our damned business. Their soul contract with God/the Universe is not up to us and really has nothing to do with us. Ever.

All you have to do is shine your light. If you prefer to be a little twinkle, great. If you are a darkness piercing flashlight, great. If you are a floodlight signaling the way for others to follow, great. If you are listening to your own highest self and doing your best, then you are doing it all right. You can’t be too much of who you are.

And mastering that is the true art of fully living.

The Irony of Shame

Shame is one of the most destructive and ugly of things. Shame clings like sticky goo that you can’t get off your shoes. As we all know, women especially are raised to be coated in shame. At least here, culturally it seems like many men escape such experiences.

Actually, I want to rephrase that. Those who often carry shame usually deserve to be free of it and those who have behaved badly enough to warrant shame, don’t actually have the capacity to feel it. There lies the irony.

People who are so self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and narcissistic don’t think about what they have done to others to feel shameful about, they are only wrapped up in their own feelings, they don’t care about or don’t even fully realize others even have feelings too. Those of us who are emotional, sensitive, interconnected, and aware fall into shame in the darkest of moments because we realized so keenly that the pain we’ve experienced is being felt by so many others all around us. We feel guilt. We feel trauma. We get that the pebble we toss our ripples out and affects others. If we toss out a cruel pebble, we leave cruelness in our wake. It’s why it is all the more critical, in this terrible time of divisive hatred and darkness that those of us who are learning to lay down our shame and shine our loving light brightly, do so. Now.

This has been intensely difficult for me. The energy around me, for the first time in my life, makes me want to lock my doors, keep intruders and interlopers out and cuddle up with the few safe loved ones I have and hide. Screw the crappy, shame-filled brutal world. But that’s not what we are here for. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a big soul. I’m supposed to shine, and although I don’t really want to, the best way I can combat shame is by being my most authentic self. I have made more mistakes than I’d ever be able to tally, but my heart is intensely pure. I refuse to carry my old shame or anyone else’s anymore.

Sometimes I wish those who don’t care or don’t see what they have done to feel shameful about could swap places for just a second. If they could, the shame might be crippling or even fatal. The irony is that those who know shame usually don’t deserve that weight and burden and those that do, don’t even get what we are talking about.

We may never get any of them to pick up their weight and truly feel it, but that doesn’t mean that those like me can’t lay ours down and refuse to ever pick it up again. If those others stub their toes on those weights lying everywhere, oh well. Sorry about that.

Embracing Big

I have always been BIG. I’m not necessarily referring to physical size, although that has fluctuated throughout my life, but I’m talking about my essence. My presence, my energy, has always been intense and large. This has not always served me well and has left me alone and in pain many, many times.

BIG-ness can be intimidating to those that aren’t taking up as much space. I have been given well-intended but very poor advice to dim my light. I have been told to hide more of myself, to not love so much or so hard, and to water down myself so that others feel more comfortable with themselves and me. These suggestions really don’t serve anyone, including those bothered, annoyed or intimidated by my BIG-ness. I can’t learn from them as a less-than version of me, and they can’t learn from my existence in their presence if we aren’t both authentic in the exchange.

I can’t be someone else, only the best me possible. I shouldn’t be expected to be less. I shouldn’t have to dim or shrink to be accepted, wanted or loved. Most of my life, this has made me feel like an alien. I am so different and I don’t belong here and can’t find my place. I’m so much, but what so many critics or haters fail to see is that my so-much-ness has tremendous positive power, not just the annoying pieces. My love is BIG. My passion is BIG. My voice is BIG. My life-force is BIG. Attempting to shrink to fit societal norms, is energetic suicide. I can’t. I won’t try anymore. Being left out and rejected or abandoned hurts, but I’m an exotic flavor….bold, vibrant, spicy, and yes, BIG. I’m not vanilla. Certainly there have been times that I wish I was…how much easier life would be if I knew how to blend into the background…a wallflower…a forgettable face. Hiding in plain sight sometimes sounds nice…even refreshing.

That’s obviously not what I’m here for. Some souls are bright lights, while some are shadows. Don’t let shadows snuff out your glow. Shine brighter. The only way we will make anything better in this world is shining our unique and purposeful light as brightly as we can while we can.

I often don’t know where I’m headed, what I’m doing, or who’s coming along and who’s staying behind, but I have to shine or die. Those are my only options. Like Red said so astutely, “get busy living or get busy dying.” For me, there isn’t gray here. I must evolve, I must speak, I must emote. I must use what I have been through and been given for the betterment of others and the world I’ll leave behind. Mundane isn’t my gig. Average isn’t my gig. I have many jobs and roles but the common denominator is my BIG-ness serves a purpose. I’m here to be BIG…love me or hate me. I’m still going to be me, either way.

Someday I’ll know why. ..Maybe not in this life, but someday.

Someday I’ll know why I’ve been a triangle in a box of squares. I guess one takeaway is that I won’t be forgotten very easily.

BIG does come with its advantages.

Offer What You Need

Integrity and loving authenticity really aren’t that difficult. We are raised in this culture to distance ourselves, to hide unpleasant feelings and to wear masks so no one can see us. That doesn’t mean that your soul doesn’t already know better. Your intuitive self, your heart-space, your essence, all know that when we are not interconnected, we don’t feel whole.

For those new to exploring the depths of yourself, this might be painful, kind of like the first times you rode your bike without training wheels and those first nasty spills bruised up your knees. You are not broken. You do not need “fixing”. You are just really ready for your own advancement and growth. Evolving hurts, but it’s glorious.

Sometimes the best, most purposeful thing we can do when we are in the deepest, most agonizing pain is to offer to others what we wish someone was offering to us. Maybe that’s a reminder that someone is worthy…maybe it’s a huge hug or a sincere smile. Sometimes what you offer might look like buying coffee for a stranger or high-fiving someone doing good work. I actually have started carrying gold stars in my purse. For real. Don’t be surprised if you run into me somewhere if I give you one.

My heart, being so sensitive, and yet such a force, has often left me feeling alone, misunderstood, judged or “extra” (as kids would say). Being extra, or too much hurts. But it is intentional, as I can only try to grow to be the best me possible…I certainly can’t be someone else. What I am consciously trying to offer is positive regard for others, kindness, love, compassion, gentleness, powerful positive change and non-judgement. I want to remind others…especially you right in this moment…that you are here for a very critical reason and no one can fill your space. No one can do the exact work you are here to do. You are loved. You are whole. You are enough. You are vibrant. I see you.

I know what loving feels like, and I do know others love me, but I also know what it feels like inside to not feel loved, or enough. I know what it feels like to experience abandonment…physically, emotionally, energetically or otherwise. I sometimes leave a room feeling like I did something wrong or knowing I wasn’t wanted there. That part of me is a 5 year old girl, humiliated and embarrassed like my kindergarten skirt was inadvertently tucked into my tights as I left the restroom.

I invite us all to be the person that not only helps that little girl get her skirt freed from her tights, but hugs her and tells her how astoundingly wonderful she is, and hand her a gold star. We all could use a little more of that.

Frank Thoughts About Suicidal Ideation

Please don’t take this as a complaint about our move forward to normalize mental health needs, because we actually are taking baby steps and I’m grateful. We are still no where close to openly being able to talk about the depths of authentic and brutal feelings. Suicidal Ideation is still penalized, not truly helped. Even the assessments that we do make it unlikely people will truly share if they are actually struggling to the depths of wanting to die. Thank God for hotlines, because it is potentially the only place one can reveal the desperate truth without some level of judgement or negative consequences on one’s life such as loss of work, loss of life insurance coverage, gossip, custody issues, reports to DHS, loss of friends, etc.

One thing we discuss even less than suicidal thoughts, wanting life to end, or actually how common this experience is, is passive suicidal ideation. This means one wouldn’t mind death, may think about it often, but would not do anything about it….usually because of the people they love. Their responsibility and obligations outweigh their own desires. It almost feels like they don’t get the luxury of their actual feelings.

Suicide is a crisis, but people run from it like it’s Ebola, instead of running towards the emergency like our brave first responders do when tragedies strike. We don’t have villages. We are more and more polarized and isolated, feeling not good enough, lonely and desperate. Passive Suicidal Thoughts are more than likely so prevalent, we would scare ourselves to admit the truth. The apathy or ambivalence for life feels like a slow, excruciating death, so why wouldn’t dying cross the mind?

If we actually want to really help each other heal, we must have safe places to be brutally honest about our experiences with compassion and empathy, not pity or judgement….not shame….not locking people up for a few days of medications and sending them home.

We must fight hate wherever we see it and reach out to those in pain. We must reconnect and attach. Attachment is a requirement of mammalian survival. No mammal does well alone. Our mental health system is a disaster. I want to do my tiny part to change that, but this will need to be a total cultural shift. We will have to rediscover what love and kindness are. Our species is in danger, and from many places, but we could, at bare minimum, love our neighbor and help them through their darkest days.

Choice

Today I find myself fearing for woman and girls all over this country. I am personally against abortion and still very politically pro-choice. If you have never been in a situation where you could at least wrap your mind around someone’s desperation to need to contemplate a terrible and pain filled choice, you have been remarkably blessed, or lucky.

Look, I don’t even eat animals. I could never personally end a pregnancy unless I was going to die and abandon my 5 children, but here is a shameful truth that I know all too well…..there are so many foster children, abused and neglected, drug and alcohol effected, medically needy, traumatized kids that most people would not dare to take! Here. Now. Alive, and waiting. And ironically most of the people who do step up to take these kids are gay, on the left, or highly educated, not the people who operate based on shame and fear. Jesus called us to take care of these kids….so more should do it. It you don’t like the problem, find a way to be part of the solution.

Be anti-abortion, totally cool….but then put your name on the list that is way too small and/or inappropriate or unqualified and take in these children….with open and full hearts and love them forever, no matter what happens, as your child. Please think about those heartbeats, that are here, damaged and broken and forgotten or intentionally overlooked. Please.

Early Childhood Sexual Abuse and it’s Link to My Subconscious Attraction to Toxic Masculinity

Unfortunately, I must admit that much of my personal feelings of value, especially in my earlier life, has been based on my attractiveness and how desired I have been by men. This started as a child for me. Although I only have snap shots of memory, I had some early childhood sexual abuse that has impacted me so profoundly in ways I hadn’t even pondered or imagined until the last decade.

First, I have often been attracted to men that are inappropriately aggressive, emotionally unavailable or damaged. This traces back as early as I can remember. It’s more than choosing the wrong kind of guys or liking bad boys, it’s about only feeling value when someone finds me sexually desirable. Often, these men looked for no other value in me, but this response, although base, harmful, and demeaning, felt like love. My earliest conscious memory of this is at about eleven. Although my experience is simple objectification, it has felt like some of the only times I was actually wanted, valued, or noticed. It’s odd that it is actually the exact opposite of reality, but I have found my value early and often in the terrible sexualization of cave men.

As I have worked on healing, my own growth, purpose and integrity, and as I’ve analyzed my experiences and why I am the way I am, I’m disappointed and disheartened in our culture around the sexualization of young girls, but even more so in myself. I have enjoyed the attention I received even when I knew better. I felt so little validation or worth from anyone else, before I learned that my validation must come from myself, so being sexualized felt like I mattered. I was unique. I stood out from the crowd. This experience has also left me feeling alone, misunderstood and numb. My personality being an intense one, only was acknowledged or appreciated by the objectifying, sexualizing, prudish yet perverted and until recently, accepted culture of many American men.

I grieve that I have, in my own way, contributed to this. I’m sad at what has often felt good, even though I knew in my soul it was wrong. This feeling, is exactly what childhood sexual abuse did to map out my own value, my objectification of myself, and my seeking validation that came straight from toxic masculinity. Even what has turned me on or registered in my memory as important moments has been tainted by the use of my body for the gratification of others….and very rarely myself.

The misuse of me is obviously not love, nor does it look anything like it. And to my dismay, my experience is fairly common. I have worked hard to stop energetically inviting broken, damaged or toxic men into my orbit. To my credit, I work to learn from each individual mistake and apply what I’ve learned to better myself and balance my tiny place in the universe. I work to help others where I can and grow as a whole myself, not just as an aging woman, that those old, gross thoughts would tell me is losing her marketability, but as an interconnected being that has purpose and worth, whether I turn someone on or not.

I have had very few experiences in which I felt a soul connection to someone and also been turned on by them. (This is in no way to minimize the beautiful, decent, impactful great men that I’ve known and loved!) I’ve worked a lot on this one. My only marriage was an asexual one. Getting married at 18 was not only stupid, but this marriage severely damaged my self-esteem because the one man that was supposed to want me didn’t. It made me feel a kind of desperation I cannot properly describe. It increased my obsessiveness with becoming ‘sexier’, skinnier, whatever. My unhealthy relationships with food, self-harm and exercise only intensified and most of my adult life has felt primally defined by sexual depravation. I now believe I chose that because I had a bad introduction into my own sexuality, and, at the time I had a frightening stalker, and my ex’s lack of attraction to me felt safer. Not makings of a good life partner match, but for survival purposes, it obviously worked out.

Doing so much work on myself in the past ten years, energetically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, has made me more aware…more exhausted, but more aware. Now I’m trying to integrate a healthier sexual self into that puzzle too. I have been inviting different souls into my energetic space. I’m finding depth, honesty, worth, value, connection. I haven’t figured out all of the integration that I need to do to allow these more evolved qualities to be sexy to me, but I have, very intentionally, blocked out, both figuratively and quite literally what is so not sexy. Most certainly, toxic masculinity is unsexy. Lack of integrity, dishonesty, manipulation, infidelity, objectification, abuse, all soooo unsexy. It feels like the disgusting uncle that has been the dark, shadowy secret, and I’m willing to step away from mine into a bright, cleansing light.

Owning my own sadness, my guilt, my inadvertent contribution to a yucky culture, my self-doubt, my hyper-critical views of myself, my mistakes, my losses, have all been part of my willingness to put down my secrets and not allow my unhealthy thinking to define me anymore.

Yes, I still want to be sexy. Ideally I will someday have this crap figured out, and in demonstrating grace for my own crooked path, hopefully I may be able to help someone else. As I move to a different plane of awareness, I hope to find my best, most integrated self, and help fight the culture of toxic masculinity in my own little way. In doing this, ironically, I may become my sexiest version of me.

Day of Remembrance

Today I am consciously thinking about who I never want to be.

Sometimes these lessons come from my own mistakes and shortcomings, and other times they are lessons I witness from the behavior and choices of others.

I am reminded today that I want to say what I mean and mean what I say. I want to speak my truth and maintain my integrity. I want to help give a voice to those that feel silenced. I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I won’t con or deceive or abuse someone’s trust and loyalty. And above all, I won’t be bought. Ever.

People can be cruel, thoughtless and self absorbed, but those are all choices, and every choice ripples out and changes the world around us, a tiny wave at a time.

I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be comfortable with my own company. I want to authentically be proud of myself, and not require false praise from others.

When I look back at my legacy, there may not be much there, but I would hope I’m leaving kindness, positive change, love, and decency behind me. I won’t leave a trail of pain and lies behind me. That is enough of a legacy for me, I think.

To those that have spent their legacy harming others and gluttonously consuming anything in their path and spitting out refuse in word and deed, it’s not too late to change. No one is a lost cause until they are dead. Making a change for the better takes balls, and heart, and insight, but it’s so much easier on the soul than the alternative.

Perpetual Grief

Unfortunately we live in a culture and a world of fear-mongering, lying, cheating, abuse, rape, marginalization, racism, homophobia, ignorance and self-indulgent greed and apathy.

I’m disheartened in many ways and am lonely for my tribe that doesn’t exist anymore because we are no longer the pack animals we should be and we are isolated, shallow, stressed and grieving what our souls know is missing.

Love is powerful and light forces darkness into the corners. Yet so many are turning their backs on love. My heart is heavy. Goodness and loving thy neighbor aren’t that hard. We have failed in teaching our children this simple act of kindness. For those of us that call ourselves Christians, we are dishonoring Jesus with hate and not caring for the least of these. Whether it’s your faith or not, love, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, and helping those less fortunate than yourself should be pretty simple concepts to get behind. Protecting the Earth, being thoughtful and generous, supporting truth and fairness, being gentle to our interconnected fellow beings, should be second nature. You have to put blinders on to ignore what is happening around us.

I’ve always been intense and opinionated, even as a little child, and it’s likely why I have spent so much of my life feeling unloved, unwanted and alone. I have often felt like an alien that doesn’t belong here, or anywhere I know of. Yet those exact feelings are what have driven me to adopted medically needy, hard to place children, spend much of my life as an advocate for others and fighting for justice for all. My heart is hurting and is in a state of perpetual grief for what we have become and the evils we aren’t undoing or standing unwaveringly against.

I have failed many times and have plenty of shortcomings but my heart is my best quality and knows by intuition and centeredness what is clearly right or wrong. If you haven’t felt the impact of the failing mental health system, you will. Because it hasn’t hit your circle yet doesn’t mean you should ignore the crisis and look away. Our collective futures depend on it.

Apathy is ugly, inexcusable, unsexy, ignorant and disgusting. Feel. Open your hearts, minds, souls and eyes. Do good. Make positive change. Even a tiny act of kindness ripples out and spreads goodness. Help. You are here right now, intentionally and purposefully, and it is no accident that you are reading these words that your heart knows to be true.

The only way we will fix our deepest soul’s perpetual grieving for what we instinctively know we need and have lost, is to push back and reach for it again. We can’t let hatred and ignorance win. Fear-mongering must go. We should want our neighbors to be healthy too, not just our children. We all belong to each other. That’s what we are here to learn, even if we differ, we are our own, and until we turn on that knowing again, we will remain in perpetual grief.

The Weight of Being a Decent Human in America

The impact of this past week on my soul has been far deeper, broader and even more triggering than I could have ever imagined.

I think there is a child-like, romantic heart that resides in my chest. I still want to believe that people are mostly good, that good will triumph over evil, and love conquers all. Maybe that is also why I have been a Disney junkie my whole life. I don’t believe in Prince Charmings or Happily Ever After, I mean I’m romantic but not an ignorant fool. Yet I have believed that I lived in a country that would not sell out. That we had the proper checks and balances to catch corruption, hold the guilty accountable and lived in reality. I have believed that those in power couldn’t blatantly lie to our faces and no one is ever held accountable for having no integrity and being deceitful.

I’m hurt. I’m angry. I’m appalled. Yet I fear the resignation and looming horror of moving back in time instead of forward.

Here is something I can say, under oath, under penalty of a felony, I have never assaulted someone. Ever. Not physically, not sexually, not at all. I have been hit before and did not even raise my hand. I have been harmed, abused and misused, but I haven’t harmed anyone. It’s not that hard to avoid attacking someone! My educational successes, my resume, my career, my other interests or successes have ZERO to do with attacking someone or not! There shouldn’t be a pass for mean, selfish, spoiled, old white guys.

Who are we? What do we stand for? Do we see our collective selves accurately in the mirror and can we sleep with who we are? I say no. We are not who we should be. We are supposed to be a melting pot. We are supposed to love our neighbor. We are supposed to protect the least of us. We are supposed to rise to a higher ethic. We need to stand up, united together against injustice, lies, abuse, corruption, fear, and hate. My heart kneels with every athlete that quietly and respectfully exercises their right to protest police brutality against black men. My heart weeps for every person who doesn’t feel safe enough to voice their sexual assault truth. My heart is livid at the rich, spoiled white guys who can and do BUY what they want, even when it’s not for sale and totally and disgustingly unethical.

I’m disheartened that this is the culture I must leave my children in someday.

You have a right to speak your truth. You have a right to feel safe. We can’t pursue life, liberty, and happiness if by doing so we tread on the life, liberty, and happiness of our fellow children of God.

It’s not that hard to stop a second and hold yourself to a higher standard. Our cultural, collective soul is in jeopardy. We must unite in extending love, light, justice and kindness. We must, or I fear we are doomed.