Moving Past Pity

I have recently come to a startling realization that I have been identified as and have accepted the label and station of someone to be pitied.  Upon evaluation of this, I have discovered that I have settled into and been comfortable in being pathetic.  It’s been my thing.  Subconsciously I have either been viewed as such, or as a super woman who can handle anything, and in the depths of myself, I have learned to be okay with…maybe even proud of both.

This has been lonely.  And, as I become more centered and aware, and as I strive for a better life, for peace, and for joy, I have awakened to wanting neither title.  

I cannot, nor do I want to do everything alone, neither do I want people to feel sorry for me….I just want good, honest people to share my life with.  I want people who consider me an equal.  I want to have fun.  I want to breathe.  I want to enjoy whatever life I have left.  

My kids know hardship.  My kids know struggle.  I want them to know that they are not defined by that, nor does that fact hold them hostage.  We are entitled to opportunity and happiness the same as everyone else.  We are not less.  We are not pitiful.  We just are.  We are whole and complete and lovable.  We deserve good things and can welcome them.  We can spread love and joy.  We can make a positive impact….regardless of diagnoses, pain or issues.

We all have greatness within us.  Our souls know truth when we hear it.  If we are still and listen, we can often find the most complex answers to the questions in our hearts.  

If I can master letting go of these things that have been my identity for so long, I may just bloom into what I am meant to be.  That is my new dream for me and the kids…and for you as well.

Trailblazing Tenacity in Tenuous Times

We are in the stone ages of mental health.  One could argue that we are in the dark ages of most services for those with special needs.  The gaps in knowledge, experience, treatments, tolerance and a general understanding are severely lacking, which leaves Mamas like me floundering, with our bagged eyes and our premature greying.  We look crazy from trying to work within a flawed, siloed system, designed by those who don’t live in it or with it, where they lose your paperwork and pass you off to another wrong department that doesn’t deal with people like us, or onto your 5th worker who’s a nice kid but 24, who is supposed to “assist”….and so, we are forced to take up figurative arms to fight.  

We are plotting a trailblazing movement.  Angry Mamas’ tenacity and unwillingness to accept the status quo throughout history has created positive change that most of us now take for granted.  And mark my words…this area of desperate need will be no different.  If we can’t find the change we need than we will create it, because that is what good parents do for their suffering children.  Necessity is the Angry Mama of invention.  

I don’t have a lot of great answers YET, or brilliant ideas for that matter, but I do know when something’s not working, when change is required and when we’ve had enough of a poor set of systems that doesn’t even properly communicate with each other.  I do know when some thick-headed, trailblazing, loud, vocal, passionate and fierce Mamas need to wake up their communities, their politicians and every uninformed soul to our cause.  I, for one, refuse to have my children’s struggles be for nothing.  I refuse to have these lessons go to waste or go unheard.  We shouldn’t ever lose our children to treatable conditions and diagnoses, just because our state doesn’t offer the right kind of treatment or because insurance giants say they don’t NEED it.  

If my child was in a critical medical crisis, the hospital would be required by law to serve them, to help save their life, regardless of my inability to pay….yet we deny this everyday in mental and behavioral health because the primary problem is in the brain, not the heart, or lungs or kidneys.  WTF?  
And, dear crappy system, just because there is something “wrong” with my child/children doesn’t mean I’m stupid!

We are insisting on growth, knowledge and positive change.  Our children deserve it, but so does society.  I don’t want to someday die and leave my daughter in a cruel world that won’t take care of her or meet her basic needs, and I don’t want you fearing the danger that she could become without proper treatment.  I don’t want the gaps that she falls into…because she has mental health needs, medical issues, and developmental delay….basically because she’s “complex”, to stay bridgeless pits where many families like mine go to die.  I don’t want more people to feel forced to surrender to hopelessness and despair.  

So, we must trailblaze.  We must advocate.  We must be difficult in order to make people uncomfortable enough to join us.  We must insist on answers and help.  We must, or we all lose.

Inspiration

inspiration can be drawn from anywhere

it can come from the gleam in an old lady’s eye

it can come from the kindness of a stranger

it can be in the forgiveness of a generous friend

or the innocence of a young soul

art is the child of inspiration

and richness and beauty are the next generation

i look for inspiration anywhere

and when my heart feels desperate 

i take comfort in finding it in the smallest of places

smiles

hugs

grace

tolerance

a little note

messages from loved ones

warm wishes 

and casual waves from passing drivers

i seek to improve myself

so that i can offer some hints of inspiration to others

and to those who have unknowingly offered it to me

Blessed are the Wavemakers

Blessed are the Wavemakers, for they shall change the World.

Profound change is never created by the mediocre, the complacent, or the lazy.

Profound change isn’t brought on by the likable, the inside clique, or those that blend.

Profound change is never created by the “don’t rock the boat-ers”, by the phony, or by the easily intimidated.

Profound change in most realms, is brought by the challenging, the intense, the discontented.

Profound change is sparked by the passionate, the emotional, the hurting and those that have experienced such hardships that they want to devote their lives to preventing others from feeling such pain.

Profound change can be brought on by the labeled…by the bitches, by the loud, by the annoying, by the difficult, by the underdogs ready to take a stand, by the Mamas who have had enough and are ready to fight, by the less liked, by the scarred, and by those who speak when they know judgement will come for it.

Positive movements are generated by the thorns in the sides, by the squeaky wheels, by the sore thumbs.  

We weren’t meant to fit.  That’s the beauty and the heartache of it.  We belong in our not belonging….but you can only be who you are, not someone less than that.

So, I say, bless you.  Bless you for doing your best to speak with authenticity and integrity and stand up for what your heart says is right and true.  It hurts.  It’s lonely.  But you can impact the outcomes of others for the better….

And so I repeat, Blessed are the Wavemakers, for they shall change the world.  Don’t be afraid to make waves.  Nothing good ever comes from the alternative.

(And enough of us make some damned BIG waves of positive change.)