Day of Remembrance

Today I am consciously thinking about who I never want to be.

Sometimes these lessons come from my own mistakes and shortcomings, and other times they are lessons I witness from the behavior and choices of others.

I am reminded today that I want to say what I mean and mean what I say. I want to speak my truth and maintain my integrity. I want to help give a voice to those that feel silenced. I won’t pretend to be someone I’m not. I won’t con or deceive or abuse someone’s trust and loyalty. And above all, I won’t be bought. Ever.

People can be cruel, thoughtless and self absorbed, but those are all choices, and every choice ripples out and changes the world around us, a tiny wave at a time.

I want to be able to sleep at night. I want to be comfortable with my own company. I want to authentically be proud of myself, and not require false praise from others.

When I look back at my legacy, there may not be much there, but I would hope I’m leaving kindness, positive change, love, and decency behind me. I won’t leave a trail of pain and lies behind me. That is enough of a legacy for me, I think.

To those that have spent their legacy harming others and gluttonously consuming anything in their path and spitting out refuse in word and deed, it’s not too late to change. No one is a lost cause until they are dead. Making a change for the better takes balls, and heart, and insight, but it’s so much easier on the soul than the alternative.

There is No Team of 1

I know alone. The irony is how rarely anyone gives me space or peace. I have spent my life searching for where I belong, for my team, for a village, and I have come up empty handed with a more than full plate. Authenticity isn’t appreciated, valued, or respected and I fear it’s dying altogether. That makes freaks like me even more of an anomaly than I originally thought. Where does one reach who doesn’t fit in the puzzle? My edges are too crooked and lopsided and will likely frustrate the puzzler and will get tossed out with the other refuse. Garbage. Replaceable. Insignificant. Yep. Yep. And yep.

Fighting for justice and equality in a patriarchal, racist, homophobic good o’boys world is exhausting and disheartening. Why bother? Yet apathy is more disgusting and exhausting than anything. If you are an articulate, outspoken, emotional woman then you’re a bitch. If you are nice, and meek, and inauthentic you get by. But for what cost? Soullessness? I’m not down for that.

I’m an exhausted woman, but I’m whole. I’m an intact being that didn’t sellout, and thus far, I haven’t given up either. I’m solitary but I, at least, belong to me. Fake laughs, fake smiles, fake behavior, fake praise, unfollowing a FB friend but acting like they matter in your world….all bullshit. I’m not a BS kind of woman. To me, respect is telling you the truth when you ask for it. If you don’t ask, oh well.

I’m hitting a discouraging place and my work as a mother with so many, several of which needs will never end, is pressing. It may be too much. At that point I may have outstayed my welcome, but I take pride in the trying….

I have tried….hard…..to be a good woman, a good mother, a good friend, a good lover, a good advocate, a good helper, a good artist. Likely, no one will remember. That is a fact I have to settle with. I am all that I am and nothing more. I tried, with all I have, every day, to make a positive impact. I have tried to leave feelings here….emotions. I am the embodiment of an expression of feeling. Some may not care one bit but I’d like to believe that my little slice of impact may leave a mark that counteracts some of the evils I have witnessed. As Shawshank would say….I HOPE. Even when I don’t want to, my soul still hopes, even when I wish it would sink and drown, even when I want to slice out its light, even when it’s dark and the bitter winds are attacking with a viciousness that most only fear, it urges its way up to encompass the entirety of my soul, and so, I stand. I hold babies…..not just mine, but others that need me. I stand solidly and unwaveringly. It’s not a team. I’m alone, but I’d rather be alone than a mindless sheep.

Perpetual Grief

Unfortunately we live in a culture and a world of fear-mongering, lying, cheating, abuse, rape, marginalization, racism, homophobia, ignorance and self-indulgent greed and apathy.

I’m disheartened in many ways and am lonely for my tribe that doesn’t exist anymore because we are no longer the pack animals we should be and we are isolated, shallow, stressed and grieving what our souls know is missing.

Love is powerful and light forces darkness into the corners. Yet so many are turning their backs on love. My heart is heavy. Goodness and loving thy neighbor aren’t that hard. We have failed in teaching our children this simple act of kindness. For those of us that call ourselves Christians, we are dishonoring Jesus with hate and not caring for the least of these. Whether it’s your faith or not, love, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, and helping those less fortunate than yourself should be pretty simple concepts to get behind. Protecting the Earth, being thoughtful and generous, supporting truth and fairness, being gentle to our interconnected fellow beings, should be second nature. You have to put blinders on to ignore what is happening around us.

I’ve always been intense and opinionated, even as a little child, and it’s likely why I have spent so much of my life feeling unloved, unwanted and alone. I have often felt like an alien that doesn’t belong here, or anywhere I know of. Yet those exact feelings are what have driven me to adopted medically needy, hard to place children, spend much of my life as an advocate for others and fighting for justice for all. My heart is hurting and is in a state of perpetual grief for what we have become and the evils we aren’t undoing or standing unwaveringly against.

I have failed many times and have plenty of shortcomings but my heart is my best quality and knows by intuition and centeredness what is clearly right or wrong. If you haven’t felt the impact of the failing mental health system, you will. Because it hasn’t hit your circle yet doesn’t mean you should ignore the crisis and look away. Our collective futures depend on it.

Apathy is ugly, inexcusable, unsexy, ignorant and disgusting. Feel. Open your hearts, minds, souls and eyes. Do good. Make positive change. Even a tiny act of kindness ripples out and spreads goodness. Help. You are here right now, intentionally and purposefully, and it is no accident that you are reading these words that your heart knows to be true.

The only way we will fix our deepest soul’s perpetual grieving for what we instinctively know we need and have lost, is to push back and reach for it again. We can’t let hatred and ignorance win. Fear-mongering must go. We should want our neighbors to be healthy too, not just our children. We all belong to each other. That’s what we are here to learn, even if we differ, we are our own, and until we turn on that knowing again, we will remain in perpetual grief.