Headaches and Hurricanes

I’ve been having a lot of stress dreams lately. It’s obvious my mind, body and soul are trying to work stuff out. There have been tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, lava, car accidents, missing friends, catastrophic weddings, dresses that don’t fit, tumors, missing teeth, malls collapsing, break ins, lost children, deaths…and its fast paced the whole night. It’s peek Hollywood action film season in my mind. I even owned a broken down abandoned Dairy Queen on a beach somewhere and had to figure out how to make it a business that could allow me to feed my kids.

I wake up exhausted most of the time. Some of this is due to my chronic pain and autoimmune issues, but some of it is all the work my soul is doing while I sleep. I often feel hung over, even when I’ve had nothing to drink. My body is tired, but my heart is a superhero. That part I can be proud of.

One graduate assignment due next week has added to my stress. We are supposed to research how much money we will make, how much we’ll need to retire and when that will be. I joked about it in class, but there is no retirement plan for me. I will likely work harder and harder until I die. I could be many of my classmates’ mom and it shows. Human services isn’t a career to consider even to sustain your family, let alone plan to retire, especially when you are already old enough to be a grandparent. I have never in my life made one decision based on money, I’ve done what I thought I should. But the lack of value society puts on my years of trying to make a positive difference hurts sometimes. And looking ahead causes me extreme anxiety. I look at my schedule one day at a time, because I know I can survive the day, but if I look at all I have to do coming up, it makes me feel panicky.

I’ve known my energy is big. I can call attention, own the room, speak effectively. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle greatly and want to cry in the corner and hide from the world like everyone.

My faith is strong and I believe that even if I don’t know exactly where I’m headed, I’m moving in the right direction. I like to think of my stress dreams as my body detoxifying itself to bloom into a Rom Com or maybe just a dark comedy. I like to visualize abundance, ease, and effortlessness moving in to replace the stress and headaches. The summer movie season in my mind may get good. I’ll shake off the exhaustion and pain. I don’t know what will come, but I’ll follow where I’m called.

Haunting the Ghosting

Yesterday, I once again learned of more lies, cheating and betrayal regarding my ex-fiancé….easily and simply the very worst mistake of my life. It is a terrible birthday present to be reminded of the meanest, most thoughtless, manipulative and creepy person that I ever invited into my life and the lives of my already traumatized children.

This man deserves no power, no reward, no conquests, no acknowledgments. He deserves to only comprehend what he has done to so many. I’ll continue to pay for his wrong-doing and there is no amount of money great enough to buy off his damage and disease.

I am not a vengeful person. I don’t believe in punishment, only consequence. And the consequences are plenty, even if he is currently unaware. His un-evolved soul knows. It’s why he has to ghost…he can’t face what he’s done and who he really is.

My glory, my honor, my worthiness, my integrity, my success, my legacy and my happiness will haunt him. It is inevitable. I’m powerful. I’m sexy. I’m strong. I am honest. I’m loyal. He could only wish to be those things and not one person on the planet will stand at his grave and claim them as truth. That’s haunting.

I have a future. My kids know the difference between integrity and a price tag. You cannot buy what we have. You cannot buy love, family, joy, integrity. Exciting things are brewing. Abundance is on its way. My purpose is destined and immovable.

These facts about this creature that ghosted kids, will likely bubble up once in awhile. It’s my consequence for a very poor choice. Our haunting of him likely intrudes on his cushy, insincere life far more often. There are pieces of us everywhere. Memories haunt, especially when we know we consciously did the wrong thing.

He ghosted so many women and families, but if you ask me, haunting is much worse. Haunting is his consequence and he can’t buy his way out of that.

Being Too Much and Belonging

I’ve always been too much….too loud, too energetic, too big, too intense. I’m too much for most people, including those that have loved me. I realized the other day in a discussion with a dear person in my life that I’ve never really belonged. Anywhere. I think because of that, I have spent my life trying to help others feel like they belong. I want people to feel included, accepted, wanted, loved, and important. I don’t want people to feel apologetic for who they are. I don’t want anyone to feel that their presence here on this planet, right now, isn’t absolutely necessary. No one is replaceable, ever, and we should work to validate peoples’ worth.

I’ve worked hard to get to a place where I’m okay with me…even if no one else is…even if I’m intimidating…even if I’m alone. I will not compromise being the best me possible to dull down to make others more comfortable. I don’t think that’s why I’m here. I believe I was made this way for a purpose. What exactly? I’m still trying to figure out the answer to that question, but my existence isn’t a mistake, just like yours is not either.

Really, we all belong, we just may not feel that way. We are an intricate, intentional, energy puzzle and the pieces are designed to fit together. You have vital and necessary stuff to contribute. You are the only person who can fill that spot. We need you.

I wish we looked at each other like the miraculous souls we are. I wish we saw in everyone what we see in those we love the most. When you love purely, you accept the entirety of the individual…you get the good with the bad and must be willing to take both sides of every coin.

I may always be too much…or maybe I’m just enough. We’ll see when the end of my story comes which was true when my full purpose is fulfilled. Maybe when I get there, I’ll be alone and solidly and unwaveringly comfortable with standing in my own power and won’t feel any desire to belong anywhere else. Maybe I’ll find a place that suits me and welcomes me. I do know that many people are in desperate need of just a little bit of love and acceptance. We can choose to offer it in the smallest of ways and sometimes that saves lives.

Embrace your uniqueness and the individuality of others. Love. Love is where we all belong and where there can never be too much.

A Price Tag on Me

EDIT NOTE…THIS PIECE IS REGARDING A COMPANY THAT NO LONGER EXISTS…this is not about the current company I work for, Iowa Stage Theatre Company…..

There are moments in time that define our human existence. I had one of mine tonight. Tonight I realized that there was a price tag on me…not one I put there myself. Unlike a prostitute, I was totally unaware of the price, hanging off of my body. I had such a visceral reaction to this moment that I could not help but freeze and cry. I’m accosted. I’m humiliated. I’m marginalized and objectified and although it rarely happens, was left speechless.

See, in our local theatre community we had our own Harvey Weinstein. I was told many times over many years that he was too good, and that no one would do anything about it because he was worth so much. The natural implication in that was that the multitude of us that had experienced his compulsive need to violate, weren’t as important or vital to the arts community as this guy was, and the ironic think is that he wasn’t even very good. He knew 60% of his lines with a phony British accent, even in plays set elsewhere.

I had come to grips with this some time ago. I’m not a prude, and being in the theatre, it takes a lot to offend me. But he offended me, many times. I was proud that we had addressed our local issue months before the national #metoo and #timesup movements. I was impressed that Iowa nice put their foot down and finally put a stop to an egregious and blatant misuse of power. But I was way off.

See,  My ex-fiancé, who tossed around his money because he had nothing else to offer anyone, pledged $20,000 if the theatre company got rid of the asshat due to his atrocious behavior towards me….not because I deserve respect…not because I’m a worthy human being…not because of justice or fairness…but because that was the price these men negotiated for the value of me and my sexuality. I was bought. I didn’t even know someone paid for me. When I heard this new information, I instantly began to cry. I was nothing more than a pair of spread legs. I was mortified and humiliated and embarrassed. I was an object…nothing more.

Realistically I know better, but my soul felt beaten and abandoned. I can try to understand white privilege because I understand male privilege. Most men around me wouldn’t get it, but a few would, and those that do are change-makers. I’m loud, out-spoken and unafraid to be the bitch, and if sometimes I have remained silent to save my energy and not beat my head against the middle-aged, white male wall, then what must other more gentle spirits feel and experience?

I’m still reeling. I don’t know that I will sleep tonight. I’ve never really belonged anywhere but the theatre community is a team and I wanted to have a place there. It’s hard to know that I was for sale, not that I was good. I wasn’t purchased for my talents or abilities but for claiming rights on my body. I will not ever forget this day.

Make a Choice

Everyday, every relationship is a choice. It is about priorities. Relationships don’t happen to you, you actively invest in them. Any love of any kind is a choice. I choose to love you and commit to that each day, even when I may rather slack off or I’m irritated or tired. It isn’t about time, it’s about intention. I must choose and set the intention to love today…and again tomorrow…and every day forward.

It’s also about choosing integrity, authenticity, vulnerability and pain. You will be hurt. If you love anyone at all, there will be pain attached. You are not allowed to have one without the other. It’s in the fine print. You must have both, but again, it’s a choice. And it’s worth it, every time, even when the results of your investment aren’t what you had hoped.

I thought about this a lot while being with my best friend after the loss of her child. She has pain most won’t ever know, or is their greatest fear, but she is still filled with love and wouldn’t trade away that love for her son for anything. We laughed a lot. Our love is strong and electric, but still, a choice. We made a choice to love, and accepted the risk as part of the gig.

Most men I’ve ever known think a relationship with a romantic love is more of a conquest than a career choice. It’s another job, and a worthwhile one, but it won’t be a fruitful garden of beauty, lusciousness and passion if you neglect it, don’t water it and leave it in the dark. You can’t expect to put it away for long and come back and not have it dead, or warped or changed into something else. What the ones I’ve known don’t seem to get, is that the investment can sometimes be intention alone. You may be far away, or run ragged, or so desperately tired, but if you wake up with the choice to love actively that day, and close the day the same way, then you are nurturing that love. Ask yourself how do I love today? It could be one little touch or to speak out loud the kind words that are already in your thoughts. Make simple but critical choices if you want love to remain.

Nothing worthwhile is easy. It’s a choice to do the work. People will disappoint you, annoy you, piss you off, make mistakes, and sometimes loose track of where they are headed. In those moments, instead of pulling away, I suggest trying to move toward. Move toward the work and the hard stuff. Move toward fighting for what’s good. Pick up your love hammer and start swinging.

In our hectic, overly full, chaotic, stressful lives, we can make the choice to love anyway. Love hard. Love unwaveringly. Love as if the risk and pain aren’t permanently tattooed on it. Anything worth having takes work. You can’t sit around and play on your phone and withdraw from people and expect love to just come to you. Get up, go out, and choose it. It’s a selfless choice if you do it right, but the personal rewards are still limitless.