The Kick-Ass, Transformative Magic of Gratitude

For those that really know me, there have been some pretty powerful changes in my life of late. I’m very close to finishing my masters degree. I’ve taken a step back from some areas where I have felt unwanted, under valued or misunderstood. I have started planning a wedding for the end of this year, something that I never thought I would have any desire to ever do, yet here I am. I am profoundly and irrevocably changed. Miracles overflow and I find myself in tears with honor and humility.

When I look at all of the work I have done on myself in the past ten years or so, primarily as a desperate, potentially final attempt to do anything to improve the lives of my children and myself with so many significant medical, developmental and mental health needs, there is only one primary ingredient that has easily been the miracle key to improved wellness. It’s GRATITUDE.

With my own therapy, my advancing education, my 20 years of work in advocacy, energy work, alternative care, medication when required, and faith, I have made a pivotal shift in my thinking and therefore my wellbeing and what I then give off and spread to others. There are two sides to anything. We can and do naturally focus on the negative side of things, because throughout history and evolution, it was the negative information that kept us alive, like, oh, avoid those bushes, there’s a tiger in there. We did not need to remember or be able to put a lot of energy in focusing on the fact that our mom thought we were lovable.

Yet, as I have now been taught, every negative teaches you a positive. Every time you learn what you don’t want, you very specifically also learn what you do, and you can focus your energy on that. That’s the other side of the coin. If every time you think of the negative, you flip the coin over, you can learn to shift to gratitude, which welcomes an entirely refreshing new energy and vibration. It shifts what we attract and how we feel in our physical experience. I’m certainly not saying our struggles and challenges all disappear, it’s just we can learn to view them from an entirely different perspective.

Some examples might be:

Instead of focusing on lack, flip to anticipation of abundance and what could come.

Instead of fear of pain or loss, focus on growing in experience and welcoming change.

Instead of hating some jerk in the store, ripple out an example of extending grace and kindness. They are telling you they need it and you no longer have to meet their vibration because you know how to raise yours.

It’s quite hard to do, but with gratitude in every moment, it can become second nature…and not only for ourselves but also for the empathy, grace, love and compassion that we offer to others. If we can see both sides of our own coins, we can more comfortably sit with the sides of the coin of those we don’t naturally like or agree with. We can see them as whole humans with purpose and worth and we can take something positive away from what they teach us and we can be grateful for the exchange. Every. Single. Time.

If I could give you all a gift, and a gift that has totally changed the quality of my life, I would offer you gratitude. I can’t make you open the beautiful present, no matter how desperately I want to, and I can’t make you see what I do. I can’t drag anyone along in my enlightenment journey and I can’t wake up anyone else or change your vision like I’ve changed my own. Yet I can plant a seed. I can leave my hand out and extend it to you to join me. I can be grateful for you and our interaction and exchange. I can be grateful you are here on this planet right now, very intentionally, purposefully and necessarily, and know I am graced with what you can teach me too.

I’ll leave this lovely little package with the sparkly silver bow right here. It’s so full I could barely close it. It’s abundantly bursting with all I want to share as long as I am able. Gratitude. It’s the magic ingredient. It’s glowing, and it’s right there for you to take anytime. You are worth it, I promise.

Embracing Big

I have always been BIG. I’m not necessarily referring to physical size, although that has fluctuated throughout my life, but I’m talking about my essence. My presence, my energy, has always been intense and large. This has not always served me well and has left me alone and in pain many, many times.

BIG-ness can be intimidating to those that aren’t taking up as much space. I have been given well-intended but very poor advice to dim my light. I have been told to hide more of myself, to not love so much or so hard, and to water down myself so that others feel more comfortable with themselves and me. These suggestions really don’t serve anyone, including those bothered, annoyed or intimidated by my BIG-ness. I can’t learn from them as a less-than version of me, and they can’t learn from my existence in their presence if we aren’t both authentic in the exchange.

I can’t be someone else, only the best me possible. I shouldn’t be expected to be less. I shouldn’t have to dim or shrink to be accepted, wanted or loved. Most of my life, this has made me feel like an alien. I am so different and I don’t belong here and can’t find my place. I’m so much, but what so many critics or haters fail to see is that my so-much-ness has tremendous positive power, not just the annoying pieces. My love is BIG. My passion is BIG. My voice is BIG. My life-force is BIG. Attempting to shrink to fit societal norms, is energetic suicide. I can’t. I won’t try anymore. Being left out and rejected or abandoned hurts, but I’m an exotic flavor….bold, vibrant, spicy, and yes, BIG. I’m not vanilla. Certainly there have been times that I wish I was…how much easier life would be if I knew how to blend into the background…a wallflower…a forgettable face. Hiding in plain sight sometimes sounds nice…even refreshing.

That’s obviously not what I’m here for. Some souls are bright lights, while some are shadows. Don’t let shadows snuff out your glow. Shine brighter. The only way we will make anything better in this world is shining our unique and purposeful light as brightly as we can while we can.

I often don’t know where I’m headed, what I’m doing, or who’s coming along and who’s staying behind, but I have to shine or die. Those are my only options. Like Red said so astutely, “get busy living or get busy dying.” For me, there isn’t gray here. I must evolve, I must speak, I must emote. I must use what I have been through and been given for the betterment of others and the world I’ll leave behind. Mundane isn’t my gig. Average isn’t my gig. I have many jobs and roles but the common denominator is my BIG-ness serves a purpose. I’m here to be BIG…love me or hate me. I’m still going to be me, either way.

Someday I’ll know why. ..Maybe not in this life, but someday.

Someday I’ll know why I’ve been a triangle in a box of squares. I guess one takeaway is that I won’t be forgotten very easily.

BIG does come with its advantages.

Choice

Today I find myself fearing for woman and girls all over this country. I am personally against abortion and still very politically pro-choice. If you have never been in a situation where you could at least wrap your mind around someone’s desperation to need to contemplate a terrible and pain filled choice, you have been remarkably blessed, or lucky.

Look, I don’t even eat animals. I could never personally end a pregnancy unless I was going to die and abandon my 5 children, but here is a shameful truth that I know all too well…..there are so many foster children, abused and neglected, drug and alcohol effected, medically needy, traumatized kids that most people would not dare to take! Here. Now. Alive, and waiting. And ironically most of the people who do step up to take these kids are gay, on the left, or highly educated, not the people who operate based on shame and fear. Jesus called us to take care of these kids….so more should do it. It you don’t like the problem, find a way to be part of the solution.

Be anti-abortion, totally cool….but then put your name on the list that is way too small and/or inappropriate or unqualified and take in these children….with open and full hearts and love them forever, no matter what happens, as your child. Please think about those heartbeats, that are here, damaged and broken and forgotten or intentionally overlooked. Please.

Perpetual Grief

Unfortunately we live in a culture and a world of fear-mongering, lying, cheating, abuse, rape, marginalization, racism, homophobia, ignorance and self-indulgent greed and apathy.

I’m disheartened in many ways and am lonely for my tribe that doesn’t exist anymore because we are no longer the pack animals we should be and we are isolated, shallow, stressed and grieving what our souls know is missing.

Love is powerful and light forces darkness into the corners. Yet so many are turning their backs on love. My heart is heavy. Goodness and loving thy neighbor aren’t that hard. We have failed in teaching our children this simple act of kindness. For those of us that call ourselves Christians, we are dishonoring Jesus with hate and not caring for the least of these. Whether it’s your faith or not, love, forgiveness, kindness, understanding, and helping those less fortunate than yourself should be pretty simple concepts to get behind. Protecting the Earth, being thoughtful and generous, supporting truth and fairness, being gentle to our interconnected fellow beings, should be second nature. You have to put blinders on to ignore what is happening around us.

I’ve always been intense and opinionated, even as a little child, and it’s likely why I have spent so much of my life feeling unloved, unwanted and alone. I have often felt like an alien that doesn’t belong here, or anywhere I know of. Yet those exact feelings are what have driven me to adopted medically needy, hard to place children, spend much of my life as an advocate for others and fighting for justice for all. My heart is hurting and is in a state of perpetual grief for what we have become and the evils we aren’t undoing or standing unwaveringly against.

I have failed many times and have plenty of shortcomings but my heart is my best quality and knows by intuition and centeredness what is clearly right or wrong. If you haven’t felt the impact of the failing mental health system, you will. Because it hasn’t hit your circle yet doesn’t mean you should ignore the crisis and look away. Our collective futures depend on it.

Apathy is ugly, inexcusable, unsexy, ignorant and disgusting. Feel. Open your hearts, minds, souls and eyes. Do good. Make positive change. Even a tiny act of kindness ripples out and spreads goodness. Help. You are here right now, intentionally and purposefully, and it is no accident that you are reading these words that your heart knows to be true.

The only way we will fix our deepest soul’s perpetual grieving for what we instinctively know we need and have lost, is to push back and reach for it again. We can’t let hatred and ignorance win. Fear-mongering must go. We should want our neighbors to be healthy too, not just our children. We all belong to each other. That’s what we are here to learn, even if we differ, we are our own, and until we turn on that knowing again, we will remain in perpetual grief.

The Catch 22 of Strength and Resilience

There is something magical about powerful women. There is a primal, maternal nature that pushes through the most unfathomable circumstances, and often looking damn good doing it. Our intuition runs purposefully and intentionally like electricity through a power strip. We are antennae. When we tune in, we pick up other channels, the vibrations and energy of others, which puts us in a paradoxical place of being prepared to protect and defend, as well as hyper-vulnerable to danger, burnout and exhaustion.

Some of the best compliments of my life have been people saying that I am one of the strongest and most resilient women they know. Maybe they’ll say that they can’t imagine doing what I need to do or how they would juggle a life like mine. That’s nice, but it’s a way to set me apart. This both prevents them from getting the complicated mess of my life on them, making me an anomaly rather than the norm, which frees them from uncomfortable feelings they don’t want to face (maybe feelings of social responsibility or civic duty), and also keeps someone like me at arm’s length.

Powerful, strong, resilient, fighters don’t need anyone else right? Or any help? Or an opportunity to melt down and have a soft place to fall (as Dr.Phil would say)? Of course not! We aren’t super-human! We aren’t saints! We are just doing our best to get by like everyone else. Our cups get empty now and then. Sometimes we just need some hugs and some ice-cream and a quiet place to cry, and then we can dust off and get back up and take on the evils of the world and slay dragons again.

Being powerful is not the opposite of being vulnerable. Authentic vulnerability is a sign of the ultimate soul power. It’s an ability to connect and tap into the universal, cosmic channel that we are all programmed to find and tune into so we can be an inter-dependent, collective. We are pack animals requiring the relationship and understanding of others. That is a simple truth. Each and every soul is a piece to a greater puzzle, and the more we deny it and fight it, the harder life gets.

Energy changes in groups. We can all feel this when we walk into a room. What do you feel? Is it light or dark? Rejuvenating or depleting? What can you, only you, specifically you, do to make it better? Not later…not someday…but right now. How can you extend your light to ripple out and positively affect others? That’s the trick. That’s the lesson. We all just need to find a way to do what we are uniquely put here to do, but we cannot do it alone. We do not exist in a vacuum and our light is so much brighter as a kick ass super hero team. All of us…not just those we set apart as different…the freaks or the x-men, the avengers or the geek squad, the weirdos or the superstars…all of us have the ability and obligation to shine our light and reach out to those around us. We need everyone so we all don’t go down with this sinking ship.

Just because someone has survived and is strong doesn’t mean they don’t need you. All of us are not only capable of change and reaching the goal of being our highest vibrational selves, but we are required to do it. Once we have awareness, we are contracted to spread the light and goodness, the empathy and positive change around. Sometimes that’s just a smile, buying a stranger a coffee, or pitching in where you see a need. And sometimes the person who may be most impacted by what small gesture you offer is the one you thought was so strong and resilient that they had it all together in the first place.

Headaches and Hurricanes

I’ve been having a lot of stress dreams lately. It’s obvious my mind, body and soul are trying to work stuff out. There have been tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, lava, car accidents, missing friends, catastrophic weddings, dresses that don’t fit, tumors, missing teeth, malls collapsing, break ins, lost children, deaths…and its fast paced the whole night. It’s peek Hollywood action film season in my mind. I even owned a broken down abandoned Dairy Queen on a beach somewhere and had to figure out how to make it a business that could allow me to feed my kids.

I wake up exhausted most of the time. Some of this is due to my chronic pain and autoimmune issues, but some of it is all the work my soul is doing while I sleep. I often feel hung over, even when I’ve had nothing to drink. My body is tired, but my heart is a superhero. That part I can be proud of.

One graduate assignment due next week has added to my stress. We are supposed to research how much money we will make, how much we’ll need to retire and when that will be. I joked about it in class, but there is no retirement plan for me. I will likely work harder and harder until I die. I could be many of my classmates’ mom and it shows. Human services isn’t a career to consider even to sustain your family, let alone plan to retire, especially when you are already old enough to be a grandparent. I have never in my life made one decision based on money, I’ve done what I thought I should. But the lack of value society puts on my years of trying to make a positive difference hurts sometimes. And looking ahead causes me extreme anxiety. I look at my schedule one day at a time, because I know I can survive the day, but if I look at all I have to do coming up, it makes me feel panicky.

I’ve known my energy is big. I can call attention, own the room, speak effectively. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle greatly and want to cry in the corner and hide from the world like everyone.

My faith is strong and I believe that even if I don’t know exactly where I’m headed, I’m moving in the right direction. I like to think of my stress dreams as my body detoxifying itself to bloom into a Rom Com or maybe just a dark comedy. I like to visualize abundance, ease, and effortlessness moving in to replace the stress and headaches. The summer movie season in my mind may get good. I’ll shake off the exhaustion and pain. I don’t know what will come, but I’ll follow where I’m called.

Haunting the Ghosting

Yesterday, I once again learned of more lies, cheating and betrayal regarding my ex-fiancé….easily and simply the very worst mistake of my life. It is a terrible birthday present to be reminded of the meanest, most thoughtless, manipulative and creepy person that I ever invited into my life and the lives of my already traumatized children.

This man deserves no power, no reward, no conquests, no acknowledgments. He deserves to only comprehend what he has done to so many. I’ll continue to pay for his wrong-doing and there is no amount of money great enough to buy off his damage and disease.

I am not a vengeful person. I don’t believe in punishment, only consequence. And the consequences are plenty, even if he is currently unaware. His un-evolved soul knows. It’s why he has to ghost…he can’t face what he’s done and who he really is.

My glory, my honor, my worthiness, my integrity, my success, my legacy and my happiness will haunt him. It is inevitable. I’m powerful. I’m sexy. I’m strong. I am honest. I’m loyal. He could only wish to be those things and not one person on the planet will stand at his grave and claim them as truth. That’s haunting.

I have a future. My kids know the difference between integrity and a price tag. You cannot buy what we have. You cannot buy love, family, joy, integrity. Exciting things are brewing. Abundance is on its way. My purpose is destined and immovable.

These facts about this creature that ghosted kids, will likely bubble up once in awhile. It’s my consequence for a very poor choice. Our haunting of him likely intrudes on his cushy, insincere life far more often. There are pieces of us everywhere. Memories haunt, especially when we know we consciously did the wrong thing.

He ghosted so many women and families, but if you ask me, haunting is much worse. Haunting is his consequence and he can’t buy his way out of that.

Being Too Much and Belonging

I’ve always been too much….too loud, too energetic, too big, too intense. I’m too much for most people, including those that have loved me. I realized the other day in a discussion with a dear person in my life that I’ve never really belonged. Anywhere. I think because of that, I have spent my life trying to help others feel like they belong. I want people to feel included, accepted, wanted, loved, and important. I don’t want people to feel apologetic for who they are. I don’t want anyone to feel that their presence here on this planet, right now, isn’t absolutely necessary. No one is replaceable, ever, and we should work to validate peoples’ worth.

I’ve worked hard to get to a place where I’m okay with me…even if no one else is…even if I’m intimidating…even if I’m alone. I will not compromise being the best me possible to dull down to make others more comfortable. I don’t think that’s why I’m here. I believe I was made this way for a purpose. What exactly? I’m still trying to figure out the answer to that question, but my existence isn’t a mistake, just like yours is not either.

Really, we all belong, we just may not feel that way. We are an intricate, intentional, energy puzzle and the pieces are designed to fit together. You have vital and necessary stuff to contribute. You are the only person who can fill that spot. We need you.

I wish we looked at each other like the miraculous souls we are. I wish we saw in everyone what we see in those we love the most. When you love purely, you accept the entirety of the individual…you get the good with the bad and must be willing to take both sides of every coin.

I may always be too much…or maybe I’m just enough. We’ll see when the end of my story comes which was true when my full purpose is fulfilled. Maybe when I get there, I’ll be alone and solidly and unwaveringly comfortable with standing in my own power and won’t feel any desire to belong anywhere else. Maybe I’ll find a place that suits me and welcomes me. I do know that many people are in desperate need of just a little bit of love and acceptance. We can choose to offer it in the smallest of ways and sometimes that saves lives.

Embrace your uniqueness and the individuality of others. Love. Love is where we all belong and where there can never be too much.

Make a Choice

Everyday, every relationship is a choice. It is about priorities. Relationships don’t happen to you, you actively invest in them. Any love of any kind is a choice. I choose to love you and commit to that each day, even when I may rather slack off or I’m irritated or tired. It isn’t about time, it’s about intention. I must choose and set the intention to love today…and again tomorrow…and every day forward.

It’s also about choosing integrity, authenticity, vulnerability and pain. You will be hurt. If you love anyone at all, there will be pain attached. You are not allowed to have one without the other. It’s in the fine print. You must have both, but again, it’s a choice. And it’s worth it, every time, even when the results of your investment aren’t what you had hoped.

I thought about this a lot while being with my best friend after the loss of her child. She has pain most won’t ever know, or is their greatest fear, but she is still filled with love and wouldn’t trade away that love for her son for anything. We laughed a lot. Our love is strong and electric, but still, a choice. We made a choice to love, and accepted the risk as part of the gig.

Most men I’ve ever known think a relationship with a romantic love is more of a conquest than a career choice. It’s another job, and a worthwhile one, but it won’t be a fruitful garden of beauty, lusciousness and passion if you neglect it, don’t water it and leave it in the dark. You can’t expect to put it away for long and come back and not have it dead, or warped or changed into something else. What the ones I’ve known don’t seem to get, is that the investment can sometimes be intention alone. You may be far away, or run ragged, or so desperately tired, but if you wake up with the choice to love actively that day, and close the day the same way, then you are nurturing that love. Ask yourself how do I love today? It could be one little touch or to speak out loud the kind words that are already in your thoughts. Make simple but critical choices if you want love to remain.

Nothing worthwhile is easy. It’s a choice to do the work. People will disappoint you, annoy you, piss you off, make mistakes, and sometimes loose track of where they are headed. In those moments, instead of pulling away, I suggest trying to move toward. Move toward the work and the hard stuff. Move toward fighting for what’s good. Pick up your love hammer and start swinging.

In our hectic, overly full, chaotic, stressful lives, we can make the choice to love anyway. Love hard. Love unwaveringly. Love as if the risk and pain aren’t permanently tattooed on it. Anything worth having takes work. You can’t sit around and play on your phone and withdraw from people and expect love to just come to you. Get up, go out, and choose it. It’s a selfless choice if you do it right, but the personal rewards are still limitless.

Well Enough

When I contemplate all I’ve done in my life, good, bad or otherwise, I hope I can be remembered for a few simple things. I’m a communicator of feelings and I don’t mind showing anyone what that looks like. Other than being a bratty kid, I have been honest, open and raw, and I have prized my integrity above any riches this world or any person could offer me. And I have loved…not always well or right…but hard and unwaveringly. I’ve never stopped loving anyone ever, even those that have betrayed and harmed me the most. I don’t know how to get rid of love and I wouldn’t want to. I have boundaries but very few walls.

I grieve the mother I could have been had I not been so stressed, overwhelmed, and often crushed by the weight of my many layers of work. I could have rocked that gig! I haven’t. I mean I get a solid passing grade, I’m not being too hard on myself or anything, and when it comes to Mama Bear advocacy for my kids and others, I ace it, but I fear my kids will not have one memory of me being fun, and I’m sad and sorry for that. I hope they have known and will continue to know my heart, my intention and the vastness of my love. They know all should fear this angry Mama when kids are in need. I couldn’t love them any more…there is no such thing. It isn’t humanly possible and I’m proud of that.

I’ve tried to spread what I know and what I’ve learned to others. I’ve wanted to share, connect, relate, understand. Again, I’ve failed and come up short, but I work hard at it. There are small examples of my ripples in the pond, and I’m mostly pleased and humbled that I could leave some positive change behind.

I’m unusually strong. I don’t get this one exactly, but I can handle a lot, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and that is a quality that I wouldn’t trade away. I’m powerful, and I’ve tried to use that for justice-seeking endeavors, opening eyes to systemic problems, and explaining feelings that are not easy to put in words. This quality makes me. It’s how I’ve survived and gotten down my path thus far.

My best quality, besides the ability to make fun of myself, is my faith. There are few things I have known for sure, and I’m not saying others should believe or feel as I do, but from my own experience, I am so confident in a higher power that I believe it more than I believe that I’m sitting in my best friend’s living room writing this now. There are soul contracts and an intricate, beautiful web of lives and purposes and our job is never to judge or assign meaning or weight to others’ experiences, but to passionately and unapologetically live out our own. There are things I have known that there is no Earthly explanation for, and these miracles have defined me. My knowingness is magical.

This boy we are grieving, who popped into my life, and then eventually flew away to wait somewhere for the rest of our tribe, is a perfect example of what a soul should do and how to leave a blazing trail of love. He’s been a piece of the miraculous goodness of a gracious God for me. He’s a reminder of the intricate puzzle we all are, and to boldly embrace who and what you are and what you are here to do….LOVE.

When it’s my time to wander off with him, to giggle again at whatever strikes us and enjoy the light, peace and freedom of what’s beyond this time, I hope someone feels half of what I feel when I think of him. If I can leave that behind, I will have done well enough.