Blending Isn’t Good Enough

With this miraculously, new found path I’m on, that is so clear and so intentionally created by a loving Universe/God, I’ve been finding it even more challenging for me to find my proper words. Communicating emotion effectively is kind of my soul’s gig, and recently I have found that our language has not created powerfully, meaningful enough words for my current set of feelings.

This holiday began the official blending of two distinct families. It could not have gone better! There were laughs, tears, bonding, fully tummies, hugs, welcoming and love spreading so seamlessly that I gained more children to adore and claim as my own. My home became their home too. Yet, when I thought about the word, blending, although beautiful, it simply wasn’t enough. So as I was graced with the joy of a lazy morning, some lounging and much coffee, something that doesn’t happen all that often, I pondered words. My mind raced through its internal thesaurus scouring for one that was right. One that exists. One that had the strength and magnitude for what I want to convey for my new awakening, my birthing into life.

Forge. (Not in the negative way)

I choose forged.

“3: to form or bring into being especially by an expenditure of effort working to forge party unity…two countries forged a strong alliance.” We are forging a new family. This also symbolizes to me the inability to ever be separated again, one other definition is about melding and forming metal into a object like a sword, that has been made stronger by the process. The metals can never be separated, as they have turned into something entirely new, together.

Yes, forged will do quite nicely. We have forged something new, something strong, something impenetrable. We can steal off and keep protected and safe the beauty of this alliance so that others may never intrude to harm this union. It’s odd to many how one could be so sure and knowing of this so quickly, but it is so clear, that those who begin to open their eyes to the idea, to witness us and our magic, and love and support us, are getting pulled into our vortex of forging as well. We just grow stronger and more powerful in our united essence.

I have not birthed all my children, as most people know, and they have never felt any less mine. Now I’ve added more and my heart said, “you belong here too”. Like the Bible says, where you go I shall go and your people will be my people.

That’s forging….and that’s beautiful.

Choice

Today I find myself fearing for woman and girls all over this country. I am personally against abortion and still very politically pro-choice. If you have never been in a situation where you could at least wrap your mind around someone’s desperation to need to contemplate a terrible and pain filled choice, you have been remarkably blessed, or lucky.

Look, I don’t even eat animals. I could never personally end a pregnancy unless I was going to die and abandon my 5 children, but here is a shameful truth that I know all too well…..there are so many foster children, abused and neglected, drug and alcohol effected, medically needy, traumatized kids that most people would not dare to take! Here. Now. Alive, and waiting. And ironically most of the people who do step up to take these kids are gay, on the left, or highly educated, not the people who operate based on shame and fear. Jesus called us to take care of these kids….so more should do it. It you don’t like the problem, find a way to be part of the solution.

Be anti-abortion, totally cool….but then put your name on the list that is way too small and/or inappropriate or unqualified and take in these children….with open and full hearts and love them forever, no matter what happens, as your child. Please think about those heartbeats, that are here, damaged and broken and forgotten or intentionally overlooked. Please.

Headaches and Hurricanes

I’ve been having a lot of stress dreams lately. It’s obvious my mind, body and soul are trying to work stuff out. There have been tornadoes, hurricanes, floods, lava, car accidents, missing friends, catastrophic weddings, dresses that don’t fit, tumors, missing teeth, malls collapsing, break ins, lost children, deaths…and its fast paced the whole night. It’s peek Hollywood action film season in my mind. I even owned a broken down abandoned Dairy Queen on a beach somewhere and had to figure out how to make it a business that could allow me to feed my kids.

I wake up exhausted most of the time. Some of this is due to my chronic pain and autoimmune issues, but some of it is all the work my soul is doing while I sleep. I often feel hung over, even when I’ve had nothing to drink. My body is tired, but my heart is a superhero. That part I can be proud of.

One graduate assignment due next week has added to my stress. We are supposed to research how much money we will make, how much we’ll need to retire and when that will be. I joked about it in class, but there is no retirement plan for me. I will likely work harder and harder until I die. I could be many of my classmates’ mom and it shows. Human services isn’t a career to consider even to sustain your family, let alone plan to retire, especially when you are already old enough to be a grandparent. I have never in my life made one decision based on money, I’ve done what I thought I should. But the lack of value society puts on my years of trying to make a positive difference hurts sometimes. And looking ahead causes me extreme anxiety. I look at my schedule one day at a time, because I know I can survive the day, but if I look at all I have to do coming up, it makes me feel panicky.

I’ve known my energy is big. I can call attention, own the room, speak effectively. That doesn’t mean I don’t struggle greatly and want to cry in the corner and hide from the world like everyone.

My faith is strong and I believe that even if I don’t know exactly where I’m headed, I’m moving in the right direction. I like to think of my stress dreams as my body detoxifying itself to bloom into a Rom Com or maybe just a dark comedy. I like to visualize abundance, ease, and effortlessness moving in to replace the stress and headaches. The summer movie season in my mind may get good. I’ll shake off the exhaustion and pain. I don’t know what will come, but I’ll follow where I’m called.

Being Too Much and Belonging

I’ve always been too much….too loud, too energetic, too big, too intense. I’m too much for most people, including those that have loved me. I realized the other day in a discussion with a dear person in my life that I’ve never really belonged. Anywhere. I think because of that, I have spent my life trying to help others feel like they belong. I want people to feel included, accepted, wanted, loved, and important. I don’t want people to feel apologetic for who they are. I don’t want anyone to feel that their presence here on this planet, right now, isn’t absolutely necessary. No one is replaceable, ever, and we should work to validate peoples’ worth.

I’ve worked hard to get to a place where I’m okay with me…even if no one else is…even if I’m intimidating…even if I’m alone. I will not compromise being the best me possible to dull down to make others more comfortable. I don’t think that’s why I’m here. I believe I was made this way for a purpose. What exactly? I’m still trying to figure out the answer to that question, but my existence isn’t a mistake, just like yours is not either.

Really, we all belong, we just may not feel that way. We are an intricate, intentional, energy puzzle and the pieces are designed to fit together. You have vital and necessary stuff to contribute. You are the only person who can fill that spot. We need you.

I wish we looked at each other like the miraculous souls we are. I wish we saw in everyone what we see in those we love the most. When you love purely, you accept the entirety of the individual…you get the good with the bad and must be willing to take both sides of every coin.

I may always be too much…or maybe I’m just enough. We’ll see when the end of my story comes which was true when my full purpose is fulfilled. Maybe when I get there, I’ll be alone and solidly and unwaveringly comfortable with standing in my own power and won’t feel any desire to belong anywhere else. Maybe I’ll find a place that suits me and welcomes me. I do know that many people are in desperate need of just a little bit of love and acceptance. We can choose to offer it in the smallest of ways and sometimes that saves lives.

Embrace your uniqueness and the individuality of others. Love. Love is where we all belong and where there can never be too much.

Make a Choice

Everyday, every relationship is a choice. It is about priorities. Relationships don’t happen to you, you actively invest in them. Any love of any kind is a choice. I choose to love you and commit to that each day, even when I may rather slack off or I’m irritated or tired. It isn’t about time, it’s about intention. I must choose and set the intention to love today…and again tomorrow…and every day forward.

It’s also about choosing integrity, authenticity, vulnerability and pain. You will be hurt. If you love anyone at all, there will be pain attached. You are not allowed to have one without the other. It’s in the fine print. You must have both, but again, it’s a choice. And it’s worth it, every time, even when the results of your investment aren’t what you had hoped.

I thought about this a lot while being with my best friend after the loss of her child. She has pain most won’t ever know, or is their greatest fear, but she is still filled with love and wouldn’t trade away that love for her son for anything. We laughed a lot. Our love is strong and electric, but still, a choice. We made a choice to love, and accepted the risk as part of the gig.

Most men I’ve ever known think a relationship with a romantic love is more of a conquest than a career choice. It’s another job, and a worthwhile one, but it won’t be a fruitful garden of beauty, lusciousness and passion if you neglect it, don’t water it and leave it in the dark. You can’t expect to put it away for long and come back and not have it dead, or warped or changed into something else. What the ones I’ve known don’t seem to get, is that the investment can sometimes be intention alone. You may be far away, or run ragged, or so desperately tired, but if you wake up with the choice to love actively that day, and close the day the same way, then you are nurturing that love. Ask yourself how do I love today? It could be one little touch or to speak out loud the kind words that are already in your thoughts. Make simple but critical choices if you want love to remain.

Nothing worthwhile is easy. It’s a choice to do the work. People will disappoint you, annoy you, piss you off, make mistakes, and sometimes loose track of where they are headed. In those moments, instead of pulling away, I suggest trying to move toward. Move toward the work and the hard stuff. Move toward fighting for what’s good. Pick up your love hammer and start swinging.

In our hectic, overly full, chaotic, stressful lives, we can make the choice to love anyway. Love hard. Love unwaveringly. Love as if the risk and pain aren’t permanently tattooed on it. Anything worth having takes work. You can’t sit around and play on your phone and withdraw from people and expect love to just come to you. Get up, go out, and choose it. It’s a selfless choice if you do it right, but the personal rewards are still limitless.

Well Enough

When I contemplate all I’ve done in my life, good, bad or otherwise, I hope I can be remembered for a few simple things. I’m a communicator of feelings and I don’t mind showing anyone what that looks like. Other than being a bratty kid, I have been honest, open and raw, and I have prized my integrity above any riches this world or any person could offer me. And I have loved…not always well or right…but hard and unwaveringly. I’ve never stopped loving anyone ever, even those that have betrayed and harmed me the most. I don’t know how to get rid of love and I wouldn’t want to. I have boundaries but very few walls.

I grieve the mother I could have been had I not been so stressed, overwhelmed, and often crushed by the weight of my many layers of work. I could have rocked that gig! I haven’t. I mean I get a solid passing grade, I’m not being too hard on myself or anything, and when it comes to Mama Bear advocacy for my kids and others, I ace it, but I fear my kids will not have one memory of me being fun, and I’m sad and sorry for that. I hope they have known and will continue to know my heart, my intention and the vastness of my love. They know all should fear this angry Mama when kids are in need. I couldn’t love them any more…there is no such thing. It isn’t humanly possible and I’m proud of that.

I’ve tried to spread what I know and what I’ve learned to others. I’ve wanted to share, connect, relate, understand. Again, I’ve failed and come up short, but I work hard at it. There are small examples of my ripples in the pond, and I’m mostly pleased and humbled that I could leave some positive change behind.

I’m unusually strong. I don’t get this one exactly, but I can handle a lot, physically, emotionally, and spiritually, and that is a quality that I wouldn’t trade away. I’m powerful, and I’ve tried to use that for justice-seeking endeavors, opening eyes to systemic problems, and explaining feelings that are not easy to put in words. This quality makes me. It’s how I’ve survived and gotten down my path thus far.

My best quality, besides the ability to make fun of myself, is my faith. There are few things I have known for sure, and I’m not saying others should believe or feel as I do, but from my own experience, I am so confident in a higher power that I believe it more than I believe that I’m sitting in my best friend’s living room writing this now. There are soul contracts and an intricate, beautiful web of lives and purposes and our job is never to judge or assign meaning or weight to others’ experiences, but to passionately and unapologetically live out our own. There are things I have known that there is no Earthly explanation for, and these miracles have defined me. My knowingness is magical.

This boy we are grieving, who popped into my life, and then eventually flew away to wait somewhere for the rest of our tribe, is a perfect example of what a soul should do and how to leave a blazing trail of love. He’s been a piece of the miraculous goodness of a gracious God for me. He’s a reminder of the intricate puzzle we all are, and to boldly embrace who and what you are and what you are here to do….LOVE.

When it’s my time to wander off with him, to giggle again at whatever strikes us and enjoy the light, peace and freedom of what’s beyond this time, I hope someone feels half of what I feel when I think of him. If I can leave that behind, I will have done well enough.

Requiring Depth and Mindfulness

As I work at bettering myself and grow in the healthiest and most purposeful ways, I see more of me to heal, develop, and work on, and more to accept and love in others. We were designed to be flawed. Human beings are supposed to be messy and difficult and complicated, yet the main objective is to love. The goal is to love despite risk, pain, loss, heartbreak, differences, and inadequacies.

I’m with my best friend to help where I can for a couple of days after the loss of her child. I don’t know that there is a proper way for me to help, other than to be present, centered, whole, connected, mindful, aware and willing. This sucks but it is an inevitable and necessary process of our existence and our culture doesn’t not generally do it well. We pretend it doesn’t happen, we set ourselves away from the loss so we can feel somehow safe from it. We make it pitiful and tragic, instead of a transitional and deep personal experience.

No matter what I do, say, or write, I likely won’t ease any pain, but I can fill the love cup a bit, and that provides some weight on the positive side of the see-saw of grief. Everyone’s culture of grief is so unique and individualized that there can be no thought or judgement on what one may want to say or do. If my BFF said that we are going streaking in the rain tonight at midnight while screaming her son’s name, I’d do it and not ask questions, although we might need bail money and I’d be light on pockets. 😬🤔

Extending connection and vulnerability to others puts us at risk, yes, but we can never see the depth of colors or the fine lines of the painting without it. We can never receive the full gifts or experience the greatest joys of human existence if we stay protected behind walls.

I ask that in honor of this fun, brave, goofy, sweet guy that we lost, you tear down a wall or two, be present, mindful, deep and vulnerable and just flat out love with abandon. That is the truest, most pure tribute I can offer.

The Party House

I met a little boy, somewhere around 2002, with a mischievous sparkle in his eye and a plate full of traumatic history. He was three and a half, had very few words, but knew very well how to giggle. He was supposed to be in foster respite care with me for 10 days or so, but the second I met him, I felt something different. I knew he belonged, but I also knew he wasn’t my child. I called my best friend, now of 23 years, whom I met on a best friend blind date, and asked her to come over. The plan was to spend the next day together anyway, but I assured her that I wanted them to come right away. See, my soul knew that this boy was hers.

He was. They have loved him hard and loved him well over the past 16 years. They have all been through so much medically, emotionally, physically and spiritually. There is a terrible exhaustion from all of their experiences, especially advocating and fighting for things that should be obvious and no fight needed at all for anyone. Yet, her devotion has been perfect and beautiful and an example of grace that changes lives.

This sweet guy had so many terrible medical problems, and it only got worse over time. This guy’s spirit was infectiously adorable and funny. We haven’t lived near each other for years now, but we spent time early on schooling together, parenting together, accompanying each other to medical appointments, (the early beginnings of my career really,) venting, sharing, celebrating. For awhile we were a village like everyone needs and so many will never experience.

We vacationed together. I could write about cute stories of our adventures alone. He would pretend to play baseball and basketball with my ex-husband. He would bat his flirty eyes to request his favorite take out foods. He was a huge My Little Pony fan, loved video games and movies and making sound effects. He spent years thinking I could get him to Disney World so he would ask me for the ‘Disney Bus?’ He called our house ‘the party house’ I guess because between our families there were a lot of birthdays to celebrate, but we loved that he regularly requested to go to the ‘party house’. It got wild around here too! There was a lot of cake eaten, sometimes non edible things were consumed too…..he partied that way…..like consuming trampolines and pool noodles. He loved to play or watch our old Nintendo 64. He laughed a lot. He loved hot pink, and that is the color to tribute him.

The suffering for all of them, the commitment, the draining work, the joy, the positive difference they made, was non-stop. The pebble they tossed out encouraged others to adopt. Others were influenced and altered by their choices. They helped show people that you love who comes to you and who needs loving without hesitation. I’m profoundly honored, humbled and grateful for who they are and what they chose. And I got to witness it.

Yesterday his journey on this Earth ended. He’s free of pain and on to exciting new adventures…. maybe on Disney buses in Heaven or the ultimate party house.

My heart is so heavy for my best friend and her family. The pain in immense but there is relief to his suffering and that provides some relief to her Mama heart too. I’m sorry that I have contributed to her pain, but I’m not sorry I was a tiny piece to their puzzle.

I send all of the love, light, prayers and gratitude to them until I can wrap my arms around them after my daughter Madilyn’s graduation activities this weekend. I’ll go on Monday and hold her, or feed her or just cry with her. Today is also her birthday, and although the grief is something most people will never have to wrap their brains around, I hope she also has the gift of a little bit of peace, for his soul is free and lively and there is no more pain.

When we reunite with him, we’ll likely party hard….cake, Nintendo 64, pool noodles and all.

He knew love in this life. They gave that to him. Great work guys. You saw him through it all.

Calm and Centered in a Life of Busy

This season has been one of the busiest and most transformative of my life. Much like my new tattoo, the painful and long catharsis is making way to burst into vibrance and light.

Currently I am in the first theatre production since starting graduate school. We open the show this week, as I also move into finals. I have my third child graduating from high school. Prom was last night. Work, kids, home, lawn care, feeding people. There is so much going on, it is easy to get caught up and swept away with the tide.

Yet there is an excitement in the air….a shift….a refreshing, powerful energy. It’s invigorating even in a time when I forget to meet my clients or have too many places to be at once.

The universe is conspiring for our greatest good. Even with my tummy doing flip-flops at what the next few weeks will bring, I am working to stay centered and calm, in the midst of the swirling electricity around me. The quantity of work, skill, and effort it has taken me to learn to center myself, maintain my energy and stay whole and calm is incalculable and mind-boggling. The change that has come to my family in such a short period of time is whiplash inducing and nearly unbelievable, but it is also powerfully, wonderfully good. We are blessed with profoundly enlightening and protective change.

My writing may be sparse for the next few weeks, and if you are in Iowa, come see my show! Most importantly, thank you. Thank you for the prayers, love and light you have sent to us. Thank you for your time, thoughts, input, influence and kindness.

I’m staying calm, or at least the best I currently know how. I am grateful in ever cell of my body. Powerful goodness is all around us. There is beauty and inspiration in even the most painful and exhausting experience and those gifts are the most valuable, rewarding and irreplaceable ones I have ever received.

Inclusion and Intolerance

My complex personality, or maybe my Gemini sign if you believe in that stuff, makes me often feel like an odd collection of pieces that don’t make up one puzzle. I’ve come to be okay with this most of the time, and I think it makes me a better human services worker and actress, but other times if confounds me as much as it might a stranger.

I choose my words carefully, but I’m very outspoken. I speak up when I feel it’s important, especially when I witness injustice or unfairness, yet I still feel badly when I’m not liked. I love others openly and work to be inclusive, even when I’m terribly annoyed or feeling intolerant of those same people.

I have some pet peeves. Let’s say I can be a bit particular. These behaviors drive me nuts and my patience wanes rapidly. Wasting people’s time, poor grammar, lateness, wishy-washiness, bad hygiene, ignorance, hypocrisy, lack of authenticity, shoes in the house….these are just a few. Although I can be so irritated that I could burst, I often just want to hug those that are bugging me. It’s a confusing confluence of emotions, and sometimes I don’t get what my deal is myself, so I don’t really expect others to get me.

Another example of my intolerance has to do with predominantly over-privileged, rich, old white guys deciding to change women’s ability to choose their healthcare needs and remove the women’s control over their own bodies. Iowa passed the most conservative anti Roe vs Wade law in the US last night. Look, I’m about as personally anti-abortion and you can be and also politically pro-choice. Ironically I see very few from the side of the isle pushing so hard for ‘life’ step up and adopt special needs kids like I did. At least walk your talk! I don’t even eat animals because of my ‘life’ beliefs. Maybe those people haven’t seen what happens to ‘lives’ like my kids….the struggles through life, the broken and sick foster system, the poor services that they keep cutting, and the feeder system into prisons that they don’t want to pay for. These things make me mad because I live everyday with the harsh and unrelenting consequences of ‘life’, and I don’t regret it, but there aren’t enough homes like mine with open hearts and minds willing to love those that aren’t ‘perfect’, healthy and white. These people are pro birth, not at all pro life. Yet I think, after probably conveying my stance through tears, pain, anger and frustration, I would want to hug them. It’s one of the most primal and effective ways to remind each other to have compassion and that our hearts are beating the just the same.

I am able to separate the parts that feel like slivers under my fingernails from the wholeness and worthiness of the human being. I also am able to express myself authentically without disregarding the entire relationship. I do confuse myself sometimes, but the spiritual side that wants everyone welcome, loved, forgiven and included does live intertwined with the intolerant, annoyed, vocal and opinionated human being.

I think it’s okay to be both….all. It’s okay to feel anything you feel, but it’s what you do with it that defines you. At times, I may be both inclusive and intolerant. I am perplexed at my internal shades of gray, but I also believe I am meant to be here to express this paradox to others.