The Collateral Casualties of Choosing Joy

Wow, how my life has changed! It has been such a bizarre year and a half for the world as we make our way to a new normal after this terrible global pandemic. Yet, for me, I have met and married my soulmate, received my masters degree, welcomed my best friend of 26 years moving back to share our lives, had kids leave the nest and enjoyed making our house more and more a reflection of the beauty, joy and love we are experiencing. In a way, this time of isolation gave me time to rest and heal my worn down spirit and also reflect on what changes and what remains.

I have had multiple important people choose to exit my circle recently. This is a natural part of life and we all have different chapters, just a few people stick around to read the end of the book. Sometimes there is grief that accompanies this, sometimes bridges burn, sometimes it’s not the right time to revisit and heal whatever has gone off kilter. And all of that is okay.

I think for a long time I may have been the schadenfreude friend for some. My life was hard and scary and heavy. I was more ‘pathetic’ than most. One might feel sorry for me from afar and thank God they weren’t me, or root for me, hoping that somehow things might get better but knowing my odds weren’t worth betting on.

As I have grown and evolved and I’m healing and manifesting, I no longer fill the ‘pathetic’ void. I have welcomed love and appreciation, joy and fun, gratitude and rest, so my soul could restore and reevaluate. And in this process, some people that I would have thought would be with me cheering, have left. I’m practicing not taking it personally.

Some seem to have made a decision about who I am or what I’ve become and have an issue, but don’t find me worth a tough conversation to discuss whatever it is that is bothering them and move beyond. If I’m not worth the investment for someone, I will no longer settle for scraps of a less-than relationship. I just practice moving on down my path with appreciation for the time we shared and try to not to let it hurt so much. I can always choose to pivot my focus onto the joy I have received, and I’m so humbled by my small miracles.

The Kick-Ass, Transformative Magic of Gratitude

For those that really know me, there have been some pretty powerful changes in my life of late. I’m very close to finishing my masters degree. I’ve taken a step back from some areas where I have felt unwanted, under valued or misunderstood. I have started planning a wedding for the end of this year, something that I never thought I would have any desire to ever do, yet here I am. I am profoundly and irrevocably changed. Miracles overflow and I find myself in tears with honor and humility.

When I look at all of the work I have done on myself in the past ten years or so, primarily as a desperate, potentially final attempt to do anything to improve the lives of my children and myself with so many significant medical, developmental and mental health needs, there is only one primary ingredient that has easily been the miracle key to improved wellness. It’s GRATITUDE.

With my own therapy, my advancing education, my 20 years of work in advocacy, energy work, alternative care, medication when required, and faith, I have made a pivotal shift in my thinking and therefore my wellbeing and what I then give off and spread to others. There are two sides to anything. We can and do naturally focus on the negative side of things, because throughout history and evolution, it was the negative information that kept us alive, like, oh, avoid those bushes, there’s a tiger in there. We did not need to remember or be able to put a lot of energy in focusing on the fact that our mom thought we were lovable.

Yet, as I have now been taught, every negative teaches you a positive. Every time you learn what you don’t want, you very specifically also learn what you do, and you can focus your energy on that. That’s the other side of the coin. If every time you think of the negative, you flip the coin over, you can learn to shift to gratitude, which welcomes an entirely refreshing new energy and vibration. It shifts what we attract and how we feel in our physical experience. I’m certainly not saying our struggles and challenges all disappear, it’s just we can learn to view them from an entirely different perspective.

Some examples might be:

Instead of focusing on lack, flip to anticipation of abundance and what could come.

Instead of fear of pain or loss, focus on growing in experience and welcoming change.

Instead of hating some jerk in the store, ripple out an example of extending grace and kindness. They are telling you they need it and you no longer have to meet their vibration because you know how to raise yours.

It’s quite hard to do, but with gratitude in every moment, it can become second nature…and not only for ourselves but also for the empathy, grace, love and compassion that we offer to others. If we can see both sides of our own coins, we can more comfortably sit with the sides of the coin of those we don’t naturally like or agree with. We can see them as whole humans with purpose and worth and we can take something positive away from what they teach us and we can be grateful for the exchange. Every. Single. Time.

If I could give you all a gift, and a gift that has totally changed the quality of my life, I would offer you gratitude. I can’t make you open the beautiful present, no matter how desperately I want to, and I can’t make you see what I do. I can’t drag anyone along in my enlightenment journey and I can’t wake up anyone else or change your vision like I’ve changed my own. Yet I can plant a seed. I can leave my hand out and extend it to you to join me. I can be grateful for you and our interaction and exchange. I can be grateful you are here on this planet right now, very intentionally, purposefully and necessarily, and know I am graced with what you can teach me too.

I’ll leave this lovely little package with the sparkly silver bow right here. It’s so full I could barely close it. It’s abundantly bursting with all I want to share as long as I am able. Gratitude. It’s the magic ingredient. It’s glowing, and it’s right there for you to take anytime. You are worth it, I promise.

The Subtle Art of Being Extra

I’ve always been “a lot.” I’ve been called “too much.” My intensity has sometimes been off-putting and some have just viewed me as a “pain in the ass.” All of these things are true. But knowing this also provides a balance giving us what is on the other side of the old-fashioned grocery scale. I bring a sort of agitation that can be as positive as not, if we look at it from a different angle. Agitators bring lots of good things. You can’t make a brilliant soufflé without an agitator. You can’t have a delicious vinaigrette. You can’t make ice cream. You can’t wash clothes. Agitators are necessary. Agitators create change…create art…create new points of view with interesting voices. Agitating is not inherently negative at all.

When people choose, yes, choose, to see us from the positive, glowing lens, then we are refreshing. My sister shared a quote with me yesterday that said you can’t be too much for someone who can’t get enough of you. Yes! I am big. I am passionate. I certainly can be difficult. I am so much, and yet, I can only very intentionally be my best self. By doing this, I energetically welcome all kinds of beautiful things. Manifesting gloriousness, enlightenment, and attunement with others is fundamentally what our souls came here for. We are here to artfully live with passion and abundance in all kinds of different forms. If you are an introvert, you are not less. If you are an exceptionally loud extrovert, you are not too much…at least not for those who can actually see you…see the unique and powerful, purposeful you.

In order to fully relish the blessings of life, we must accept the wholeness of all that is. To truly enjoy you and love you, I must accept the entirety of what comes with you. If I want all the great things that make me love you in the first place, the light that is the very essence of you, you must accept all the darker, less attractive qualities that come with all of us. We are all works in progress. We are all sculptors molding the clay that is us.

Many people may turn away from you. Let them. Learn what you need from the experience and leave the rest behind. What I am learning to do is to actively look for the people turning toward you…sometimes running to you…looking up to you…following you…learning along side you…loving you and embracing the wholeness of your big, huge self. Some may be here to stay quiet and introspective. Some may need to learn the depths of pain and struggle to better grow their empathy and compassion, and really what anyone else is here on the planet to learn is none of our damned business. Their soul contract with God/the Universe is not up to us and really has nothing to do with us. Ever.

All you have to do is shine your light. If you prefer to be a little twinkle, great. If you are a darkness piercing flashlight, great. If you are a floodlight signaling the way for others to follow, great. If you are listening to your own highest self and doing your best, then you are doing it all right. You can’t be too much of who you are.

And mastering that is the true art of fully living.

When something sneaks up behind you…

When something sneaks up behind you…it might be love.

Miracles have happened to me…so many times. I have had my children saved from the cliche clutches of death. I believe this has been by love and prayer alone. I have begged for mercy when I was already too low to be on my knees. I know what it’s like to realize how disastrous my fate almost was, and by the grace and surety of God, I have witnessed being saved. I do not take this witnessing lightly. I have also seen selfishness, greed and hatred consume others’ existence, and my intentionality to avoid such things is also a miracle to me.

Focusing my attention on the beautiful gift of everything helps me stay aware and intentional, and abundantly grateful. Instead of focusing on abandonment, for example, I turn to focus on the other side of that, which is freedom. I’m working on mastering this, and in doing so, blessings and miracles are appearing all over the place. I choose to see even the smallest ones. Another example would be a genuine connection greeting someone at work…a sincere handshake, the kindness in someone’s smile when they hold the door…a child’s giggle…all miracles and reminders of the beauty and generosity of a loving universe.

I am experiencing a new kind of love. One I’ve never touched before but somehow my soul always believed existed and was yearning for all along…it’s an all-encompassing, check-every-box, so secure and safe and yet so excited and overwhelmed with emotion that I’ve cried with honor and gratitude every single day kind of love. I have done my work and changed my energetic frequency which has allowed the universe to create a new and revitalizing path for me. The lens I see the world through shifted to new, more vivid colors and a more intense reality. I am now new. Revived. Alive. Ready to thrive.

Like everyone, My life has had very difficult and sometimes dark moments. Sometimes I didn’t know how I could survive much longer…sometimes I didn’t want to. I’ve told plenty of people how exhausted my soul has been. Those were the only words I knew to describe it. In a positive psychology class for graduate school they asked us to write a letter to our 80 year old selves. I wasn’t being negative, depressing or overly dramatic, but I said, “oh God, I hope I’m not alive that long.” I just have been so worn down and couldn’t imagine that many more years of such weighty responsibilities. Now I feel like God said that my work didn’t go unnoticed and my prayers have always been heard and I’m wanted here longer, so recharging was required.

This has truly snuck up on me and changed my equilibrium and altered every cell of me. My best wish that I could ask for…for anyone…certainly for you…is that you touch this kind of miracle in this lifetime and then never take one second for granted. Ever. I vow to spend the rest of my life devoting myself to honoring and relishing this gift I have received. I hope to spread goodness and love everywhere I go, leaving little trails of hope for those coming up behind me…and I now hope to make it well past 80.

Blending Isn’t Good Enough

With this miraculously, new found path I’m on, that is so clear and so intentionally created by a loving Universe/God, I’ve been finding it even more challenging for me to find my proper words. Communicating emotion effectively is kind of my soul’s gig, and recently I have found that our language has not created powerfully, meaningful enough words for my current set of feelings.

This holiday began the official blending of two distinct families. It could not have gone better! There were laughs, tears, bonding, fully tummies, hugs, welcoming and love spreading so seamlessly that I gained more children to adore and claim as my own. My home became their home too. Yet, when I thought about the word, blending, although beautiful, it simply wasn’t enough. So as I was graced with the joy of a lazy morning, some lounging and much coffee, something that doesn’t happen all that often, I pondered words. My mind raced through its internal thesaurus scouring for one that was right. One that exists. One that had the strength and magnitude for what I want to convey for my new awakening, my birthing into life.

Forge. (Not in the negative way)

I choose forged.

“3: to form or bring into being especially by an expenditure of effort working to forge party unity…two countries forged a strong alliance.” We are forging a new family. This also symbolizes to me the inability to ever be separated again, one other definition is about melding and forming metal into a object like a sword, that has been made stronger by the process. The metals can never be separated, as they have turned into something entirely new, together.

Yes, forged will do quite nicely. We have forged something new, something strong, something impenetrable. We can steal off and keep protected and safe the beauty of this alliance so that others may never intrude to harm this union. It’s odd to many how one could be so sure and knowing of this so quickly, but it is so clear, that those who begin to open their eyes to the idea, to witness us and our magic, and love and support us, are getting pulled into our vortex of forging as well. We just grow stronger and more powerful in our united essence.

I have not birthed all my children, as most people know, and they have never felt any less mine. Now I’ve added more and my heart said, “you belong here too”. Like the Bible says, where you go I shall go and your people will be my people.

That’s forging….and that’s beautiful.

For Those Who Offer the Advice to “Go Slow.”

So, big things have been happening in my life. Manifestations of abundance and dreams and wishes and prayers are rolling in like magical, pixie-dust-filled waves. Things for those that have known me well, know that I’ve wanted my whole life.

I’m in love…A powerfully overwhelming, equilibrium altering, Hallmark Christmas movie, so cute you want to puke kind of love. A soul knowing, surety kind of love. It’s undeniably electric and obvious. I am forever changed.

I was trying to explain to someone the other day about me, my bigness, my intensity, and they were worried about me “getting hurt again.” I said, ” my darling, pain is guaranteed. To have love and beauty and overwhelming, glowing joy, you are agreeing to and fully accepting that there will be terrible loss and pain, even in the most perfect circumstances. Someone will die. We are promised this. Loss and pain are as much a part of life as eating and breathing, or loving and risking.

So for those who offer the advice to “go slow”….one…have you met me? I don’t roll on a traditional path and never have. My uniqueness is palpable to most, so to expect me to fit into some randomly defined norm is beyond silly. two…for those who REALLY know me, when have I moved too fast? A 15 year loveless marriage? A decade long on again off again intense love that although changed is still visible to everyone? Or the 2 and a half year relationship where I was engaged and lied to and cheated on? Notice one thing there? None of those were fast, and ALL caused pain.

I’m someone that likes to and relishes in learning from my mistakes, applying my lessons and trying new things. I like my lessons to mean something, that way my time never feels wasted….I learned and didn’t touch the hot stove ever again. I don’t have a pattern and you might not even guess what I might do or say next. Sometimes I don’t even know, except it will be authentic, likely dramatic, romantic and tear filled, and far, far off from the vanilla, hum drum choices that so many people settle for and are stunted, bored, jealous and desperately unhappy.

So I’m trying something new and running with this immensely powerful gift from God wherever it may lead with full abandon. I have not done that one before.

I found him and he found me and my soul said, “oh, there you are.”

I do move intensely and with purpose, power and authority. I have a brisk walk. I move with intention and my energy draws attention. I sparkle and glow and stand out from the crowd quite often, but I don’t move too fast, so please don’t expect me to “go slow.” Slow is not my pace.

The Irony of Shame

Shame is one of the most destructive and ugly of things. Shame clings like sticky goo that you can’t get off your shoes. As we all know, women especially are raised to be coated in shame. At least here, culturally it seems like many men escape such experiences.

Actually, I want to rephrase that. Those who often carry shame usually deserve to be free of it and those who have behaved badly enough to warrant shame, don’t actually have the capacity to feel it. There lies the irony.

People who are so self-absorbed, self-indulgent, and narcissistic don’t think about what they have done to others to feel shameful about, they are only wrapped up in their own feelings, they don’t care about or don’t even fully realize others even have feelings too. Those of us who are emotional, sensitive, interconnected, and aware fall into shame in the darkest of moments because we realized so keenly that the pain we’ve experienced is being felt by so many others all around us. We feel guilt. We feel trauma. We get that the pebble we toss our ripples out and affects others. If we toss out a cruel pebble, we leave cruelness in our wake. It’s why it is all the more critical, in this terrible time of divisive hatred and darkness that those of us who are learning to lay down our shame and shine our loving light brightly, do so. Now.

This has been intensely difficult for me. The energy around me, for the first time in my life, makes me want to lock my doors, keep intruders and interlopers out and cuddle up with the few safe loved ones I have and hide. Screw the crappy, shame-filled brutal world. But that’s not what we are here for. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m a big soul. I’m supposed to shine, and although I don’t really want to, the best way I can combat shame is by being my most authentic self. I have made more mistakes than I’d ever be able to tally, but my heart is intensely pure. I refuse to carry my old shame or anyone else’s anymore.

Sometimes I wish those who don’t care or don’t see what they have done to feel shameful about could swap places for just a second. If they could, the shame might be crippling or even fatal. The irony is that those who know shame usually don’t deserve that weight and burden and those that do, don’t even get what we are talking about.

We may never get any of them to pick up their weight and truly feel it, but that doesn’t mean that those like me can’t lay ours down and refuse to ever pick it up again. If those others stub their toes on those weights lying everywhere, oh well. Sorry about that.

Embracing Big

I have always been BIG. I’m not necessarily referring to physical size, although that has fluctuated throughout my life, but I’m talking about my essence. My presence, my energy, has always been intense and large. This has not always served me well and has left me alone and in pain many, many times.

BIG-ness can be intimidating to those that aren’t taking up as much space. I have been given well-intended but very poor advice to dim my light. I have been told to hide more of myself, to not love so much or so hard, and to water down myself so that others feel more comfortable with themselves and me. These suggestions really don’t serve anyone, including those bothered, annoyed or intimidated by my BIG-ness. I can’t learn from them as a less-than version of me, and they can’t learn from my existence in their presence if we aren’t both authentic in the exchange.

I can’t be someone else, only the best me possible. I shouldn’t be expected to be less. I shouldn’t have to dim or shrink to be accepted, wanted or loved. Most of my life, this has made me feel like an alien. I am so different and I don’t belong here and can’t find my place. I’m so much, but what so many critics or haters fail to see is that my so-much-ness has tremendous positive power, not just the annoying pieces. My love is BIG. My passion is BIG. My voice is BIG. My life-force is BIG. Attempting to shrink to fit societal norms, is energetic suicide. I can’t. I won’t try anymore. Being left out and rejected or abandoned hurts, but I’m an exotic flavor….bold, vibrant, spicy, and yes, BIG. I’m not vanilla. Certainly there have been times that I wish I was…how much easier life would be if I knew how to blend into the background…a wallflower…a forgettable face. Hiding in plain sight sometimes sounds nice…even refreshing.

That’s obviously not what I’m here for. Some souls are bright lights, while some are shadows. Don’t let shadows snuff out your glow. Shine brighter. The only way we will make anything better in this world is shining our unique and purposeful light as brightly as we can while we can.

I often don’t know where I’m headed, what I’m doing, or who’s coming along and who’s staying behind, but I have to shine or die. Those are my only options. Like Red said so astutely, “get busy living or get busy dying.” For me, there isn’t gray here. I must evolve, I must speak, I must emote. I must use what I have been through and been given for the betterment of others and the world I’ll leave behind. Mundane isn’t my gig. Average isn’t my gig. I have many jobs and roles but the common denominator is my BIG-ness serves a purpose. I’m here to be BIG…love me or hate me. I’m still going to be me, either way.

Someday I’ll know why. ..Maybe not in this life, but someday.

Someday I’ll know why I’ve been a triangle in a box of squares. I guess one takeaway is that I won’t be forgotten very easily.

BIG does come with its advantages.

Offer What You Need

Integrity and loving authenticity really aren’t that difficult. We are raised in this culture to distance ourselves, to hide unpleasant feelings and to wear masks so no one can see us. That doesn’t mean that your soul doesn’t already know better. Your intuitive self, your heart-space, your essence, all know that when we are not interconnected, we don’t feel whole.

For those new to exploring the depths of yourself, this might be painful, kind of like the first times you rode your bike without training wheels and those first nasty spills bruised up your knees. You are not broken. You do not need “fixing”. You are just really ready for your own advancement and growth. Evolving hurts, but it’s glorious.

Sometimes the best, most purposeful thing we can do when we are in the deepest, most agonizing pain is to offer to others what we wish someone was offering to us. Maybe that’s a reminder that someone is worthy…maybe it’s a huge hug or a sincere smile. Sometimes what you offer might look like buying coffee for a stranger or high-fiving someone doing good work. I actually have started carrying gold stars in my purse. For real. Don’t be surprised if you run into me somewhere if I give you one.

My heart, being so sensitive, and yet such a force, has often left me feeling alone, misunderstood, judged or “extra” (as kids would say). Being extra, or too much hurts. But it is intentional, as I can only try to grow to be the best me possible…I certainly can’t be someone else. What I am consciously trying to offer is positive regard for others, kindness, love, compassion, gentleness, powerful positive change and non-judgement. I want to remind others…especially you right in this moment…that you are here for a very critical reason and no one can fill your space. No one can do the exact work you are here to do. You are loved. You are whole. You are enough. You are vibrant. I see you.

I know what loving feels like, and I do know others love me, but I also know what it feels like inside to not feel loved, or enough. I know what it feels like to experience abandonment…physically, emotionally, energetically or otherwise. I sometimes leave a room feeling like I did something wrong or knowing I wasn’t wanted there. That part of me is a 5 year old girl, humiliated and embarrassed like my kindergarten skirt was inadvertently tucked into my tights as I left the restroom.

I invite us all to be the person that not only helps that little girl get her skirt freed from her tights, but hugs her and tells her how astoundingly wonderful she is, and hand her a gold star. We all could use a little more of that.

Frank Thoughts About Suicidal Ideation

Please don’t take this as a complaint about our move forward to normalize mental health needs, because we actually are taking baby steps and I’m grateful. We are still no where close to openly being able to talk about the depths of authentic and brutal feelings. Suicidal Ideation is still penalized, not truly helped. Even the assessments that we do make it unlikely people will truly share if they are actually struggling to the depths of wanting to die. Thank God for hotlines, because it is potentially the only place one can reveal the desperate truth without some level of judgement or negative consequences on one’s life such as loss of work, loss of life insurance coverage, gossip, custody issues, reports to DHS, loss of friends, etc.

One thing we discuss even less than suicidal thoughts, wanting life to end, or actually how common this experience is, is passive suicidal ideation. This means one wouldn’t mind death, may think about it often, but would not do anything about it….usually because of the people they love. Their responsibility and obligations outweigh their own desires. It almost feels like they don’t get the luxury of their actual feelings.

Suicide is a crisis, but people run from it like it’s Ebola, instead of running towards the emergency like our brave first responders do when tragedies strike. We don’t have villages. We are more and more polarized and isolated, feeling not good enough, lonely and desperate. Passive Suicidal Thoughts are more than likely so prevalent, we would scare ourselves to admit the truth. The apathy or ambivalence for life feels like a slow, excruciating death, so why wouldn’t dying cross the mind?

If we actually want to really help each other heal, we must have safe places to be brutally honest about our experiences with compassion and empathy, not pity or judgement….not shame….not locking people up for a few days of medications and sending them home.

We must fight hate wherever we see it and reach out to those in pain. We must reconnect and attach. Attachment is a requirement of mammalian survival. No mammal does well alone. Our mental health system is a disaster. I want to do my tiny part to change that, but this will need to be a total cultural shift. We will have to rediscover what love and kindness are. Our species is in danger, and from many places, but we could, at bare minimum, love our neighbor and help them through their darkest days.